Category: Healing

Abuse, Alcoholism, Animal Rights, Animals, Creativity, Faith, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Homesteading, Politics, Religion, Self-improvement, Writing

Thoughts on This Blogging Thing

Lisa Burbank

It has been seven months of pretty steady blogging. And, wow, what a change in my life this has made. Sure, there have been a few hiccoughs along the way when my postings haven’t been quite as steady: a bout of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (still recovering from that but it’s getting better); the loss of Internet service at home; and, amazingly, once you break a habit, such as a very early rising to write and blog, it is very difficult to get back on that horse again and ride, as they say. But I won’t give up. And I love horses…and blogging.

Obviously, this post is a reflection of these past seven months. Prior to making this commitment, my blog posts were pretty sporadic, spanning months sometimes in between. Now, when I’m away for even a few days, I’m like that hungry bear coming out of hibernation. It’s become like a drug and I need my fix. These seven months have taught me a few things, too.

First, I underestimate myself. And maybe others, too. When I first started, I think the reason my posts were so few and far between was because I didn’t believe I had anything to say that people would want to read. The long list of followers and “likes” for each post that I have received these last several months–both here on WordPress and on my Facebook timeline from friends and family–have proved me wrong. And a big “Thank You!” to all of you for the boost in confidence; the support; and simply for being curious enough to read a post or two in the first place. Also, to the many friends and family members who have “shared” some of my posts.

“In Al-Anon I realized that I had a distorted self-image. I had never thought to question my beliefs, but when I took a good look, I discovered they were untrue.” (Courage to Change, 1992, 192)

Another thing I’ve learned, and there is a little voice of cynicism rippling through as I type this, is there is definitely some truth to that old adage that those closest to you have the toughest time accepting changes in you. In being brutally and painfully honest about the effects of alcoholism and abuse in my past; in sharing political views; in taking a much stronger stand with my blog about animal rights and environmentalism; in staying true to my faith in God and openly sharing that faith, I have alienated many who have been close to me and yet, ironically, found new friends who share my views–in some cases, in places I never would have expected. This last one is a gift because we can never have too many friends.

A difference of opinion can divide the best of friends. I am learning, through blogging, to be more forgiving of those whose reactions in the face of a different opinion may be hostile. I’m learning not to react in kind. A difference of opinion is simply that. A difference. It need not divide us. But I’m also learning to accept that sometimes it does…and not to take it so personally. In short, I’m growing a thicker skin yet being more willing to offer that olive branch in return. Life is too short.

I think the most amazing thing that has happened with blogging, is I am learning to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I hope I am doing so in a respectful way; I have no desire to purposefully alienate anyone…I do enough of that without trying. (chuckle) But I am no longer as afraid to rock the proverbial boat. My thoughts, feelings, views and opinions may be in the minority in some circles. But I truly have learned to say, “That’s okay”, and really mean it. I now share those feelings, thoughts, opinions and views anyway. And not as a heart-on-my-sleeve victim but simply as a fellow human being with a voice that no longer wishes to be silent. And, really, I think that’s what writing is all about: having something to say. Whether it is a blog, such as this one, a news story, a textbook or even a story made up expressly for the purpose of entertaining, writers are good with words. I hope I am…and this blog is good means of exercising that creative muscle.

As for homesteading? This blog has been good medicine for that, too. I know where I want to go, where I want to be but, for years, I have allowed others to sometimes influence of bit of my direction. If there is anyone more of a non-conformist as me, I’d truly like to meet them. While more and more people turn back to the land because of a distrust of what’s in our food and what sort of damage is being done to the environment, I am in the minority even further being a single female doing this homesteading thing and, while I raise animals, I do NOT raise them for meat. That’s a complete anomaly. They are here for eggs or dairy, or fiber for spinning, depending on the animal; they give me free fertilizer for the garden; companionship, love and laughter. That’s enough. But it has taken me seven months of steady blogging to be able to write this and to say it aloud, and to not care if people don’t “get it”. This is part of who I am and I make no apology for it.

A friend sent me something that I copied on a little Post-It note that has been attributed to author Anais Nin. I don’t know if she really said this or not but it fits: The time came that to remain in a tight bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

May God bless you & keep you!

Works Cited

“Courage to Change” Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. Al-Anon, Virginia: 1992

Biodynamic, ecosystems, Environment, Healing, Holistic Health, Homesteading, Minimalism, Nature, Organic, permaculture, Politics, Zero Waste

Poor Mom WILL be Groaning by End of this Term

Lisa Burbank

I’ve been taking a sort-of “in house” vacation these past few days. My Intro to Drawing class ended last Tuesday and my new class, Global Climate Change, does not begin until today. As frigid, subzero temps have made going out of doors for any but the most essential activities unbearable, I opted to stay in and just veg out.

Well, within reason…

The spring cleaning prompted by December’s minimalist challenge is still ongoing. I didn’t complete as much as I had hoped but I did enough to keep me fueled and to keep me from becoming a slug for 5 days.

So, why is my Mom going to groan before end of this term? The title of the class should clue most in: Global Climate Change. This is a major passion of mine. Last summer’s Environmental Science class had me so fueled, all I did was chatter about both the atrocities affected by global warming, as well as the triumphs of environmentalists to mitigate those effects…ad nauseum. This particular class is more advanced, more in-depth, in regard to the science behind the environmental movement. And I am so looking forward to it.

One of the areas the class syllabus says it is focused on is how global warming affects economics. I remember last summer quoting my Environmental Science book in a Facebook post after an aunt called me out about an article I had shared in regard to the Paris Climate Change Summit (I think that’s what it was called…). It was just after the Paris bombing and terrorism struck at the hearts of many. The article talked about how the people who organized the summit planned to go ahead with it, despite the bombing, as a show of courage and solidarity in the face of that attack–in short, they weren’t going to let it stop them. I admired their brevity, the whole spirit of the thing. There was also something in the article about how economics play a hand in some of the tensions between the US and the Middle East–not so much in regard to terrorist attacks but simple politics. I do not have either the article or the textbook–which was written in recent years (2015)–in front of me, so will refrain going into the murky waters of memory–but suffice it to say, some of what I read, in both the article and my text, resonated. Yes, we know there is more to the tensions than just this but, my textbook in particular, outlined how the Middle East is very arid and many crops do not grow. They do not have even fresh water supplies to adequately hydrate their citizens or what crops they are able to grow. They have to rely on their one major cash crop–oil–in order to buy/trade what they need. When that market is threatened, tensions increase. Again, there is more to it than that–I know that–but this is often a contributing factor. I am looking forward to learning more about this, about how global temperatures and climate change affect the different economies worldwide.

(And, obviously, being challenged about this, even by someone close to me, hasn’t altered my interest in this subject, or the desire to understand…and, yes, I know it is a hot seat; with the way the planet is heating up, I may as well get used to it–literally and figuratively)

So, yes, Mom will be groaning. Suddenly, I will be spouting phrases like permaculture and the greenhouse effect; quoting statistics about lines and bubbles in the icecaps and icebergs that show changes in ocean temps…and zeroing in on less waste of resources and living a more organic, biodynamic lifestyle. I do this anyway but, knowing Mom is of a different mindset in regard to this whole homesteading, holistic health and environmental awareness thing, I tend to go a little easier in-between these passion-fueling classes. The passion is still there, but it’s tempered a bit once I come up for air from the lessons. And, with the climate-denying administration currently entrenched in our nation’s capital, understanding where we are, where we are headed, and what we can do, even in the face of such political ignorance, in my not-so-humble opinion, is worth learning.

Yup. Poor Mom…I’ll try not to spout too many stats. Really, I will.

May God bless you & keep you!

Gratitude, Healing, Religion, Self-improvement, Spirituality

Punctuality

Lisa Burbank

I have a reputation. And it’s not one that I’m proud of. In fact, I spent part of Mass yesterday, teary-eyed with embarrassment because I was 2 minutes’ late…and it was my weekend to serve communion; someone else had to do it.

This is the story of my life. And I probably sound like a very disrespectful person, as though I do not care about other people’s time or agendas. Nothing could be further from the truth. I really do try to make it on time–everywhere. And I am going to give myself a bit of a break, just a teensy one, because once upon a time, I was at least an hour late to everything. I’ve managed to cut it down to 5 minutes. That’s certainly a big improvement, but these last 5 minutes seem to elude me. The one exception seems to be when Mom and I are traveling somewhere together; I struggle enough with my own punctuality. When we’re putting a commute across the state line and at least a half dozen pit stops from Mom before we can leave, well, family has learned to tell us to be there for 1 when they really want us there for 1:30. It’s shameful. Being late when there’s a legitimate reason (a traffic accident where you sat for a time, unable to move, for example) might be excusable but, in my case, where it’s a regular thing, it is inexcusable. It’s rude. There’s no other word for it.

As Lent is coming up soon, I’ve been debating what I can do as my Lenten vow. While everyone else seems to give up chocolate or some other indulgence, I tend to make vows that will somehow make an improvement in myself. As I’m on a very limited, fixed budget right now, indulgences are few and far between; giving up the rare treat seems a bit too easy, actually. I like to challenge myself during Lent. Of course, I have a couple of standards: an internal cleanse where I cut out sugars, bread, pasta–basically anything that might create candida in the small intestine, and I add a few extra nightly “thankful” items in my grateful journal (this is a journal that I keep beside my bed where, before I go to sleep, I write down (at present) 5 things that I am grateful from that day). But those are sort of routine. I’m looking for that bigger challenge, that one thing I can do for Him this Lenten season.

I think striving to close that 5 minute gap is as good as it gets. This weekend I was rude to my fellow parishioners, my priest and, most importantly, my God. It’s time for a change. Maybe I should even give this campaign a title: On Time for Jesus.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Healing, Nature

Feeling the Blahs

Lisa Burbank

I think it’s the weather: high winds, a lot of rain, some sleet last evening. Last night I slept, serenaded by the whistle of those winds gusting around the house. A good setting for a horror film but this is reality. A little worry for power outages, tree limbs coming down–or worse, as the National Weather Service warned that even whole trees could possibly come down. With a barnyard full of critters, the worry is, of course, for their safety. Though they balked, especially Chester, my big handsome Nigerian Dwarf (which sounds like an oxymoron but Chester was wethered (castrated) by his previous owner because he is large for the breed–too large to safely breed to little Felicity, or any other typically-sized Nigerian), who wanted to stay out, despite the rain and the wind, but inside they went. Momma rested a little easier then.

Still battling a case of chronic fatigue syndrome and only a few minutes left before I have to head off to work. Just wanted to make a quick post to let everyone reading this blog know I’m still with the land of the living and will be back with longer, more interesting posts soon.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Faith, Gratitude, Healing, Homesteading, Nature, Prayer, Spirituality

More Little Crises

Lisa Burbank

Domino is doing much, much better. He and the other goats had a second dose of dewormer on Friday; they will receive a third treatment in 10 days’ time. His stool is back to normal. Appetite still not quite up to snuff but he is eating again; he was completely off his feed before. And, as he’s a little overweight, I’m not going to quibble about it too much…so long as it doesn’t go on for too long and he continues to thrive. He’s full of pep these days rather than the slight lethargy he was displaying a little over a week ago. Fortunately, this little crises has been easy to treat. The goats love the taste of the de-wormer so there’s been no trouble getting it into them. (Now if they would show as much enthusiasm for hoof trimming…) In fact, Domino keeps nuzzling my hand for more, even after he’s had the full dosage. He’s also becoming more lovable and affectionate as he starts to feel better. That makes “Momma” feel better!

A month ago, I blogged about Mom’s dog, Max, peeing blood and having to make an emergency run to the vet. The vet diagnosed him with two separate, tick-borne diseases, Lyme and Anaplasmosis (Hope I’m spelling that last one correctly…). The vet put him on doxycycline and he did fairly well with it until the day before his re-check visit. Max stopped eating. He also started developing symptoms of a urinary or kidney infection, straining to pass urine but only producing a small trickle, at best. However, when we took him in Friday for his visit, an attack of nerves had him suddenly leaking everywhere. His vet put him on a different antibiotic to kill the infection but he is being scheduled for something called a full senior panel. As he is 8, going on 9, he counts as a senior. I’m not sure what all this encompasses but, in short, they want to make sure everything inside is working correctly. The vet’s main concern was the leakage but, as soon as we left the office and headed home, the leaking stopped. And it has stayed that way. Off the doxycycline, his appetite has returned and he’s also much more himself.

However, Max did not visit the vet alone on Friday. Pearl rode shotgun. I came home from work Thursday evening and Pearl came running to the door to greet me as usual. Halfway across the living room floor she suddenly stiffened and rolled a couple of times. Stopped, got halfway up and rolled again. Scared the crap out of both of us. My worst thought was a seizure of some sort. Or a stroke. (Can cats have a stroke?) However, it has proved to be an inner ear infection that was affecting her balance. She, too, is on antibiotics and seems to be thriving again.

Phew!

I am so grateful that all three of these fur-babies are healing; I keep thanking God for each little triumph on the road to wellness again. 2016 was a rough year here at the homestead, with the loss of several geriatric pets, and even a couple of youngsters (Squire the psychotic rooster met his end suspiciously after challenging Sargent Feathers earlier in the day…Alice Cooper, my beautiful flame-point kitten, curled up for a nap in his kitty bed and never awakened); enough already!

They say trouble comes in threes. I’m not sure who “they” are but they seem to know what they’re doing. I hope “they” are right. Mommy’s heart–and her pocketbook–need a break!

May God bless you & keep you!

May

Animals, Creativity, Faith, gardening, Gratitude, Healing, Homesteading, Yoga & Fitness

Crash and Burn

Lisa Burbank

It has been so long since I’ve had a bout of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that I’d almost forgotten what it feels like when it clocks me. But clock me it did this week. I’ve been down for the count, feeling a little like a lazybones but, overall, not caring a fig.

Too many late-nights, staying up until 2 a.m. either painting, knitting or looming, just before the holidays, took its toll. And, while I am happy with the end results–and those family members and friends I gave these creations to also seem happy with them–this is a much more solid lesson in not procrastinating. I waited until the last minute and then had to “cram”. Not only did it take some of the fun out of the holiday season, it rendered me nearly useless for a couple of days.

Monday I woke up before the alarm, took care of my fur- and feather-babies, ate breakfast, and felt like I had run a marathon. A quick look in the bathroom mirror showed a pale and extremely drawn expression; my whole face looked like it was drooping onto the floor. Mom commented on it the moment she came downstairs. I almost never take naps; when I do, I usually have trouble falling asleep later in the evening so, really, I all but avoid them. Not this time. I don’t think I could have. We’ve all heard the expression “trembling with fatigue”; I went back upstairs around 10 a.m. and crashed for a couple of hours. When I awakened, I felt better but the head was still “swimming”. However, too long in any one position and these old knees start to ache and cramp. (And damned if I don’t sound like one my grandmothers with that remark…) I got up, did some homework, ran a couple of needed errands then went to work. Within an hour of being there, I could feel the face sinking into that “drawn” expression again. I made a cup of tea for the caffeine to keep me going through the shift (thank God my job consists of only answering phones, stuffing envelopes, and filing (mostly); were I still driving a forklift for a living, I probably would have called in). Needless to say, once all the animals were fed and safely bedded down in the barn (or their cage, depending on species), I had no trouble falling asleep.

The rest of the week has been more of the same, with each day feeling a little bit stronger, healthier, better rested.

I’m also thanking my stars–and God, of course–that this term’s class is “Intro to Art” and not something like chemistry, where I might blow the place up, or algebra (who uses this outside of classroom torture anyway???). I’d be losing that 4.0 GPA.

In addition to indulging in a few extra ZZZ’s, I’ve also been chilling while feeding my soul with some much-needed “me” time. I spent one morning pouring over some of my gardening books, planning some landscaping and/or gardening projects for next spring. I’ve also been viewing many of Jon Kohler’s “Growing Your Greens” videos on YouTube; some videos from Farnoosh Brock of Prolific Living and Prolific Juicing; videos from the folks at “Path to Freedom” and even threw in some music videos, mostly Within Temptation. In short, recharging some of the batteries.

Not quite there all the way but I’m thinking we’re well on our way. I haven’t touched the Jillian Michaels’ DVD since last week’s attempt that ended in under 10 minutes; this morning, while I didn’t “sail” through it, I managed to finish the whole beginner’s workout…and then another 30 minutes of yoga afterwards. And I actually feel more energized today. Go figure…

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Faith, Gratitude, Healing, Homesteading, Spirituality

Little Crises

Lisa Burbank

2014-11-03-09-04-03
Domino the Nigerian Dwarf has been off his feed the last day and 1/2. Feces are a bit irregular, too, with the pellets all stuck together rather than “raining” out single file. “Little Crises” because I always panic a little whenever one of my fur- or feather-babies is “under the weather” but I also thank God for all of the reference materials I have on hand, the friends (other farmers/homesteaders) in the know, the good relationships with vets and vet techs. I panic but then the little squirrel turning the wheel in my head gets a poke in the backside and starts running steady again.

Okay, now…breathe!

Not enough symptoms for some of the more severe illnesses. He’s passing his waste. It’s not the little dry pellets but not loose enough to qualify for diarrhea. Though they received deworming meds in September, I reached for the bottle still sitting on the back of the kitchen counter and realized why it was there–to remind me I need to buy another bottle (sigh). Mom and I took a road trip to Tractor Supply this morning and I purchased another bottle, then over to Walmart for some Pepto-Bismal. I have it in capsule form; liquid is much easier to administer with a goat. And, thankfully, for their mouthy-baby sort of curiosity, Domino took his meds with enthusiasm. While I dosed the other goats with the dewormer–something they seem to regard as a treat so it must taste pretty good–only Domino received the Pepto. And lapped it up like it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Keeping Felicity and Chester away while he got this minty-tasting “treat” was the biggest challenge! Hopefully, this does the trick and he’s back to his old self again soon.

Of course, I always worry about both Domino and Chester, my other Nigerian wether, because they were overweight when I brought them home and, though I’m very careful not to feed them too many treats (usually nothing more fattening than a piece of carrot…); still, the “damage” was already done before they came to me and, like the rest of us, it’s a lot easier to maintain a good weight than to take off the excess after the fact. With goats, something I learned about at Goat School many years ago, is that, if they’re overweight, their liver can caramelize, resulting in death. I love my goatie boys way too much to want to see that happening!

And Friday Mom’s dog, Max, goes back to the vet for a re-check and a full, senior blood screening (I think that’s what it is called…). He’s no longer passing massive amounts of blood in his urine but he’s still straining a bit. He’s more of a challenge than any of the others when administering meds. Max was diagnosed with Lyme disease just before Christmas and his vet put him on Doxycycline. The Lyme had gone into his kidneys so he’s on the strongest dose available. Initially, Mom put the pills in his food but he’s smart; he picked around them. So we’ve gone through a considerable amount of peanut butter and hot dogs but we’re prevailing; there’s no sticking it in the back of his mouth so he’s forced to swallow; Max isn’t opposed to biting the hand that feeds and usually requires a muzzle at the vet. Fun, fun, fun (insert sarcasm here)…

Though it sounds like I’m complaining a bit, I’m really not. There’s a simple confidence that grows from learning and caring for these creatures. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything else in the world. Every life, every choice we make has its challenges but, the reward is in seeing these babies thrive again when all is said and done…or, at the very least, knowing you gave them the best care you could and were by their side through it all. I am fairly confident that neither Max nor Domino is in such dire straits. While Domino is off his feed a bit, he also followed me back to the house, nosing and headbutting me for more Pepto along the way. And Max, Mom and I have been having regular howling practices on an almost daily basis (don’t ask…) so he’s feeling much better. Of course, I’m adding some prayers to all these treatments but, sometimes, the best treatment of all is in knowing someone cares enough to try in the first place. That’s true even for humans…

May God bless you & keep yoU!

Healing, Holistic Health, Yoga & Fitness

Woefully Out of Shape

Lisa Burbank

I am determined that this year I WILL lose these extra 30 lbs. So Wednesday Mom and I visited Pourings & Passages’ bookstore in Danielson, CT. This is a second-hand bookstore that also carries pre-owned DVD’s and such. I purchased a Jillian Michaels’ 30 minute Shred DVD.

There’s a reason why Jillian is known as the toughest trainer in Hollywood. There’s also a reason why she’s got such an incredible, muscular shape. She works her…can I say it?…ASS off! This video is intense. So much so, I only made it through the first 8 minutes before I was ready to collapse. If I can finally see my way through the whole thing–even just this beginner level workout–I will be back to the slender frame I vaguely remember a couple of centuries ago.

Yup. I did a more traditional resolution this year. Lose weight. Middle-aged spread didn’t just creep up on me. It clocked me over the head. And my vanity is seriously offended. Which isn’t exactly the stuff you’d expect to hear from an ordained minister but I am only human, after all. And, really, the extra weight has brought a decrease in energy; I can do a lot more for Him if I’m feeling my best. And right now, I’m not.

Back to the video, those 8 minutes left me with a right knee that didn’t want to support my weight yesterday and an aching shoulder this morning. Of course, this is an older video. Jillian looks to be in her mid- to late-20’s–about half my age. Maybe at 25 or 30, I could’ve made it all the way through the beginner’s 20 minute workout. I certainly didn’t have the injuries that are flaring up from all these new moves. A car accident in 2002 threw the shoulder out of whack and a close-range shot from a paintball pellet screwed up the right knee/calf area. So I’m feeling it a bit, shied away from it this morning, but more determined than ever to finally work my way through level 1. I’ll worry about levels 2 & 3 later…

May God bless you & keep you!

Abuse, Alcoholism, Faith, Gratitude, Healing, Prayer, Religion, Spirituality

The Power of Prayer

Lisa Burbank

“Come and hear, all of you who reverence the Lord, and I will tell you what he did for me: For I cried to Him for help, with praises ready on my tongue. He would not have listened if I had not confessed my sins. But He listened! He heard my prayer! He paid attention to it! Blessed be God who did not turn away when I was praying, and did not refuse me his kindness and love.” Psalm 66:16-20

Today, for the first time in weeks, I dialed in to The Prayer Cafe. What is The Prayer Cafe? It is a 20 minute group prayer hosted by The Christian Mompreneur Network. Though I am not a Mom (at least of any human children), I am seeking to build my own home-based business–in plural, actually. And, while, yes, I hope that at least one of these business ventures succeeds well enough to sustain Mom and I and our menagerie of fur and feather babies, I also hope that at least one of these business ventures will succeed well enough that I can also give back to the community.

And therein lies the truth of where I’ve been at fault.

I started this blog post to talk about prayer and how my soul has been thirsting for this 20 minutes each week of prayer and fellowship with these ladies–ladies I have never met face-to-face but whom I have grown to love very much. I have been thirsting, feeling dried up and maybe a little hopeless inside. I posted a prayer request because of all the financial difficulties I’ve been assaulted with of late–November was a rough month all around with 3 major losses of beloved fur and feather babies, and the usual stress of re-applying for emergency mortgage assistance until I can finally get back on my feet financially. The end of that first paragraph was an “Aha!” moment. The host of The Prayer Cafe posted something afterwards to me about the biblical truth of “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of your needs will be met.” He spoke to her heart. And He just spoke to mine.

Did I not just type it the other way around? Did I not just type about giving back to the community AFTER the blurb about my own needs? I’m too focused on my own problems instead of giving them up to God. Instead of letting Him take control of my life. And so, He gave my friend the wisdom to post this reminder of His love, and His command, to seek Him FIRST. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. And always has been.

What does He want for me? (Note: that’s FOR me, not FROM me…) What are His plans for my life? Have I ever stopped to ask…and stayed long enough to listen to my heart, the voice of God speaking within it? Usually I run away from the answer out of fear, out of that lack of trust that I blogged about last week. I’m afraid to “Let go and let God”. Afraid that some part of me is not worthy of such goodness. That’s what comes from growing up with alcoholism and abuse but I can only blame others, perhaps, for the first 18 years of my life; what I’ve done or experienced since is on me. And I am choosing to hand the reins over to the God of my consciousness, a God of love.

Does that mean that hard times are going to miraculously stop happening? No. He doesn’t promise us smooth sailing, just a safe landing at the end of it all. He promises to love us, to see us safely through all of life’s challenges. If only we will place our trust in Him. And praise Him for every minute thing we have–both good and bad, because He can use all things to make our lives richer, better, in the long run.

I needed prayer today. I need prayer everyday. We all do. But, in our modern world, where faith in God is often exploited and derided, we neglect our spiritual life. We don’t have time, we tell ourselves. We don’t have the money to give at church because food is scarce or the bills need paying, etc. We walk around with this scarcity mindset, a mindset that only sets us up to attract more of the same. We start neglecting everyone and everything that matters most to us, pushing aside precious moments–time that we can never get back, pushing aside even our most basic needs, pushing aside God. When He is the answer to all of this. Taking those 20 minutes or so today to indulge in this much-needed rest with Him in fellowship and prayer was just what the doctor ordered. I feel more refreshed and at peace. And, in the end, that’s what we’re all searching for. His peace.

May God bless you & keep you!

Abuse, Alcoholism, Faith, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Healing, Religion, Spirituality

The Great Divider

Lisa Burbank

“Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so bitter and discouraged that he won’t be able to recover. Please show him now that you still do love him very much.” 2 Corinthians 2:7-8

The Great Divider, the Adversary, has been working his mischief in my life of late. Instead of being loving and forgiving, instead of swallowing my pride and reaching out to others with whom I have a bit of conflict, anger and bitterness have been welling up inside and a part of me is ready to cut all ties, to slam the proverbial door in the faces of those who have recently hurt me. And I know that is definitely NOT God’s plan.

I am speaking of the family conflicts that have arisen these past few months, conflicts that I have blogged about a few times. I’ve tried to keep mum about them as much as possible but my soul is hurting because, people I have trusted above all others, have lied about me, lied to me, and now accuse me of things that they should know better about me…even to questioning my faith in the Lord and my vocation as a minister. I know the Bible says the world will hate me because I am His but I don’t think that’s the motivation behind it.

Or is it?

I am suddenly maligned because I won’t take a side in this family conflict. I cannot. Even if I wasn’t a minister, family is extremely important to me and, the idea of turning my back on any family member, goes against everything I believe in. Yes, I know there are many who come from families where they’ve been abused and seriously mistreated–I can claim some of that myself, coming from an alcoholic home with a stepfather who wanted too much to do with me. So I understand why some would not want to associate with family if such an association only brings more pain. Finding the strength to walk away from that abuse and mistreatment takes courage. I know. I’ve been there. And I respect those feelings in anyone who has or is walking a similar path. For myself, I’ve come around full circle, finding forgiveness for those who have either abused me, or who saw the abuse and did nothing to try and stop it. Forgiveness does not wipe the slate clean, it does not justify the offense, the act, the unkind words, etc. Forgiveness, however, does cleanse the soul–the soul of the person who is finally willing to surrender and offer that forgiveness. Forgiveness takes away the resentment that has built upon our souls, resentment that opens the door for that Great Divider, Lucifer, and gives him free rein to wreak even more havoc in our lives. By choosing to forgive, we open the door to Jesus Christ and allow the healing of our broken and battered souls, minds, spirits and bodies to be complete. I cannot change what has happened in my past. Holding onto that resentment and anger only hurts me more; it doesn’t hurt the people who have hurt me. It doesn’t stab them with guilt so that they want to repent. In fact, holding onto that grudge, that resentment, only gives others a power over us, a power that is not of God’s way, a power that tears us down and makes us less than what we are. In short, by holding onto that resentment and anger, another person can claim a victory over us. As can the Adversary. Forgiveness gives us the Power to heal. It tells that Great Divider to “get thee behind me” in Jesus’ name.

There are countless references in the Bible about forgiveness. And each and every one of them admonishes us to forgive our brethren because, if we do not, our Father in heaven will not forgive us. And, no matter how much I may try to deny it, I am as much a sinner as the next soul. So I am choosing forgiveness.

And yet, there’s still that little voice, the voice of my wounded self, that still wants to snarl and sneer. I am still looking to lash out, to shout at the selfishness of spirit that keeps dividing us. And, as I do so, I am reminded of the entry I read today in my Al-Anon daily reader, Courage to Change: “Other people can be our mirrors, reflecting our better and worse qualities. They can help us to work through conflicts from the past that were never resolved. They can act as catalysts, activating parts of ourselves that need to rise to the surface so that we can attend to them.” What part of this situation is pointing that spotlight back on me?

I want to be liked by everyone. That’s the sin of pride. I have this unrealistic view of that utopian world, a world where everyone gets along and shares only the best of themselves. Would that this world existed, but by trying to force it to be so, I am in danger of doing more harm than good. And I can recognize that abused little girl inside of me that gets violently shaken whenever voices and tensions arise. I hate conflict. I avoid it to my own detriment because I still struggle with how to assert myself. Speaking my mind, speaking up for myself, was not encouraged growing up. And, really, I’m thinking that this is the conflict from my past that has never been resolved. For the first time, I asserted myself in this situation. I refused to allow myself to be bullied into taking a side. Because that’s what was done. I was given an ultimatum and I refused to give in to it. For the first time, I refused to be a nodding doll, holding my tongue about things that I didn’t agree with simply to keep the peace. I’m sure for some family members this has been akin to one of our resident mice suddenly developing fangs and claws to pounce on my cats rather than the other way around. No, I didn’t “pounce”. I asserted myself calmly. But the effect was the same. While I have never been guilty of trading secrets or bad-mouthing anyone behind their back, because I kept silent when others said things that didn’t sit right, I can certainly understand why others might believe I would. “Keeping silent” has hurt people I care about, has hurt me, and it is akin to lying, even if an untruth was never uttered. By keeping silent, I have given a false impression. I’m not sure if this last revelation is that “mirror” talked about in Courage to Change but it is certainly that catalyst activating a part of me that needs to be attended to. While I would wish it otherwise, and while I know I will never be comfortable with loud voices and angry confrontations, it is better to risk that anger, that disagreement, than deliver another shock to someone later on down the line. And maybe, just maybe, I can finally learn to value myself enough to communicate without harm.

May God bless you & keep you!