Abuse, Appreciation, Christianity, Exhaustion, Faith, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Grief, Healing, Herbs, Introvert, OCD, Writing

Routines

“Let them praise the name of the Lord, for His name alone is excellent: His glory is above the earth and heaven.” (Psalm 148:13)

Now, let me preface this post with saying I am eternally grateful to finally be earning enough to pay my bills each month, to work at a job that challenges me in so many good ways, and to feel so much a part of this community that I have come to love. I truly am blessed. And turning this foreclosure thing around for a second time is nothing short of a miracle. Amen!

However, there’s another way that my work challenges me, which I am hoping will also be a good thing in time, but is causing me no end of headaches and heartaches: I can’t incorporate any meaningful routine into my days.

OCD tripping me up again…?

Not work’s fault, but the childhood trauma that helped the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to develop in the first place. Twenty years of therapy didn’t “cure” me of it. It only taught me how to manage it…somewhat. But I still struggle with that fine line between better time management overall and knowing when I’m becoming obsessive about that time.

There’s also a side of me that berates myself for being “lazy” when some niggling part of me says maybe it’s “burnout” and my body simply cannot = can + NOT go at my usual breakneck pace. Some of it may be age and menopause. However, the past decade has been one challenge after another: multiple losses of beloved family members; job loss/unemployment; under-employment; a major injury; foreclosure threats and everything seeming to break/leak, etc. all at once on the home front. I’ll have a whole new house by the time I’m done…just in time to bury me with astronomical mortgage payments. Not lamenting holding onto home either, just the increase in payments from falling behind in the first place.

And through it all, I earned first a Bachelor’s degree, and then a Master’s degree, writing the first draft of my first novel as my thesis (it’s in the middle of revisions right now before going off to beta-readers).

However, I also want to show up again every Tuesday and Thursday with a new post. I want to start writing herbal posts again. I want to get back to the heart of what this blog has been and why it was started in the first place. But I have yet to incorporate a routine that will allow it. Part of the reason is that my schedule changes day-to-day and from week-to-week at work.

Sure, our business hours stay the same each week, but my duties and responsibilities change with the seasons, and I’m in the library several hours a week when we’re not open. Again, not a lamentation. Some of those hours are to host multiple writer’s workshops and book clubs, all of which I started to encourage more patronage. We increased patronage this year by half as much again as last year, so that’s a major boon.

Yeah, I probably am Burnt. Out.

Years ago, when I worked in Corporate America, I used to take a week’s vacation, and the first few days of that vacation, I let myself sleep as much as I wanted. After a couple of days, I was refreshed and back to my old vigor. Perhaps that’s what I need now.

Or perhaps the chronic introvert needs some serious time to simply retreat from the world for a few days. Not necessarily in sleep, but simply “time out”.

And maybe, just maybe, yeah, the perfectionist needs to quit trying to “perfect” everything all at once and focus on one area of life first: my health and well-being, and then take a few baby steps towards another area of life once I’m feeling more like myself.

Only then will it be possible to carve out a routine that works without burning me out again.

In the meantime, as with my foreclosure process, I leave it all in His hands. What will be, will be. And I trust Him with whatever the outcome. And that statement right there? That’s the best testament of healing of all: I trust Him. That same childhood trauma that gave me OCD also threw my trust in the dirt, stomped all over it and left it in the gutter. That I can actively give up control of any kind says a lot about His healing, His timing, His plans. Maybe I don’t need a routine after all. After all, it’s His will, not my own.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Bereavement, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Climate Change, Community, Cooking, Culture, Emergency Preparedness, Faith, Family, Fashion, Fiber Arts, Fleece, Frugality, gardening, God/Jesus, Healing, Herbs, History, Homesteading, Human rights, Humanity First, Introvert, Minimalism, Nature, Politics, Prepping, Wool, YouTube

The Call to Homestead

“I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8)

The need to become more self-sufficient has moved from yearning to this almost panic-filled need. We’re running out of time. Both economic depression and the threat of nuclear war loom, and our leaders fly off to Davos to plot how to take everything away from the average working class citizen. There have been countless headlines quoting Mr. Schwab as saying we will own nothing and we will be happy about it. I’m probably paraphrasing a bit but, the overall gist is there. Yes, I can play devil’s advocate here a moment and say, sure, maybe it’s propaganda, a conspiracy theory. But, what if it isn’t? What if the goal really is a 15 minute city where we will own nothing for ourselves?

Would we be happier without ownership?

First of all, as a Christian, anything I own I do so by the grace of God. What I have truly belongs to Him. Would I be happier having those gifts taken away?

Despite the new position at the library, I’m still staring foreclosure in the face. It’s a lengthy and stressful process and there’s no guarantee that I will be successful in my endeavors. One could argue that, if I wasn’t a homeowner, this stress would not exist. I wouldn’t be fretting about losing everything that I have worked for in my life up to this point. And that is true. There’s also the multitude of repairs that fall on my shoulders as homeowner…repairs that have gotten out of hand in recent years. There’s the zoning issue still hovering over me like a black cloud. In short, the more you have, the more you stand to lose.

But, let’s spin this around a bit.

If we don’t own anything, what is the point of working, of setting goals? Whether we own a house, a car, etc. doesn’t change the fact that we still have to have food to eat. That is also true. But isn’t the purchasing of food a form of ownership? If you don’t own the place where you live, it is likely your landlord will not allow you to put in a garden. You won’t be able to raise livestock for eggs, for dairy, for meat…if you eat such things. I was a vegetarian for over 20 years. I know one can survive without consuming animal flesh. However, the loss of certain B vitamins, especially B-12, wreaks havoc with your nervous system. Stress, anxiety, depression often stem from a lack of these vitamins. And supplements are expensive. The purchase of such is also a form of ownership.

Now let’s go back to the garden. You can’t have one. You don’t own the land upon which your leased/rented home sits. What if you truly enjoy gardening? And what if you’re an introvert, like me, and the thought of a community garden makes you feel physically ill at times? If it’s not YOUR garden alone, you may be limited by what you can plant there. If you’re a herbalist like me, growing purely medicinal plants would likely be prohibited. Big Pharma doesn’t like competition, or a loss of control. So you don’t own the land. You can’t garden, which brings you joy. You can’t grow the types of food you enjoy eating. You can’t grow and make your own medicines, or even health and beauty aids. You’ll have to buy from big box stores, or online retailers. What’s in that food? That medicine? That skincare supplement?

Okay. You’re not a gardener. Maybe you like swimming in a pool, hosting backyard barbecues. Guess what? You can’t do that either. It’s not your land. And the people at Davos, who fly around in their private jets, just decreed that barbecues are environmentally unfriendly. The smoke produces too much CO2. As do cows. No steak. No hamburgers. No cheese to melt over that petrie dish substitute.

What if you’re not an outdoors kind of person at all? You don’t own your home. The landlord doesn’t allow pets. He/she doesn’t want you painting the walls. Your place isn’t big enough for a workshop to build things, like furniture. And your kitchen only consists of a microwave and a single induction burner. Baking, canning what you grew at the community garden, or cooking healthy meals is next to impossible (microwaves destroy all of the wholesome goodness in the food cooked in them). You can’t knit. Raising livestock is outlawed (that CO2 thing again) so no wool, angora, or mohair to work with. Acrylics will disappear, too, since we’re no longer drilling for oil.

Maybe you like taking the occasional long drive in the country. Yes, improvements in batteries for electric vehicles (EV) are happening all the time these days. But at what cost to the environment? No, oil and gasoline are not infinite resources. Neither are cadmium or nickel, or any other precious metal. Yes, drilling for oil does tremendous harm to the environment. But so does mining for these metals. Like coal, mountains are dug out, and run-off from the mining pollutes the soil and water. However, to get back on subject, you want to take that drive. But you don’t own a vehicle–EV or otherwise–and the EVs left at the community garage are all in use today. Sorry.

Does this sound like a happy existence?

If we own nothing, we also cease to own our joy. By owning nothing, we give up our right to choose for ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want some wrinkled up prune in Davos telling me I can’t pick a few dandelion leaves to feed to my rabbits, or even a salad for myself. I don’t want anyone telling me I can’t take a road trip someday to visit my brother in Tennessee because he’s outside of my 15 minute zone. I don’t want to eat synthetic, processed foods, or wear plastic clothing. I want the freedom to make truly healthy choices for me, my family, my pets, and my community.

I also don’t want to be at the mercy of the “system”. What happened in 2020 will last in my memory forever. The walk into the grocery store and seeing aisles of completely empty shelves. Companies, stores, libraries completely shutdown. Places of worship closed until further notice. Loved ones denied the right to say a proper “goodbye” to those they lost. The loss of employment for so many because they refused to become human guinea pigs in their real-world experiments. And now, watching so many young people–healthy, young athletes–dropping after accepting a jab to the arm as part of that experiment.

The less dependent on that “system” we are, the less that fabricated shortages, shutdowns, and experiments will hurt us. Even a window box will produce some food and reduce some of that dependence. It may not be enough to sustain you completely, but start there. Learn how to can food and pick up produce at a farmer’s market. Or even on sale at the grocery store. Learn how to make pet food from scratch. If you can, invest in a chest freezer. Find someone in your community who knows how to find and identify wild edibles. Visit your local library and check out books on the Great Depression. Or comb YouTube for videos on the same. What did our ancestors do to make it through? There is a sense of pride that comes with being able to make your own way in the world, in being able to cook from scratch, grow a few tomatoes and herbs in a pot, split wood for a fire in a stove.

There is a sense of pride in owning a home, too. Yes, you can become a slave to that ownership, especially during hard times. And there’s no denying the cost. Not everyone can afford homeownership and that is the real tragedy in our society today. Houses have gotten progressively bigger and more expensive. At the risk of sounding like one of those conspiracy theorists, perhaps that’s part of the plan from some of our leaders. But the freedom to live as one chooses is worth the fight.

Even Jesus gives us the right to choose.

May God bless you & keep you!

19th century, Books, Christianity, Creativity, Diversity, Frugality, Introvert, Proofreading, Writing, YouTube

Learning the Ropes

“Lord, I am overflowing with your blessings, just as you promised. Now teach me good judgment as well as knowledge. For your laws are my guide.” (Psalms 119:65-66)

I approached the return to academia to earn my Masters in Creative Writing with a little trepidation. The frugal fanatic questioned the wisdom of racking up more student loan debt against the benefit in the job market of a higher degree…especially at my age (mid-50s). However, knowing my thesis will be the completion of my first manuscript, along with at least one full revision, the MFA program won out. If I don’t do this now, it’ll never happen.

I started this journey bent on also earning my teaching certificate for higher education (online classrooms only) and then, after the first term or two, I decided to switch to the Professional Writing program. I wrongfully assumed that it mostly involved advertising. I really hated the Intro to Advertising/Marketing that I took as an elective when I earned my Bachelor’s degree. Somehow the idea of perpetually trying to come up with new jingles to sell more products that I will probably never use, nor endorse, while competing with others in a cut-throat environment just didn’t appeal. Granted, there’s big money in advertising, and many love their careers in it. However, I couldn’t see this introvert being happy in such an environment, no matter how healthy the pay scale.

I’m learning that the professional writing program at Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU) is a whole lot more; albeit, I am learning more about search engine and social media optimization, elevator pitches, and marketing along the way.

Ghostwriting; proofreading and/or editing for other writers; speech writing; web content; creating brochures and informational materials; articles; essays; newsletters, and blogs are all ways to supplement income and create a brand. Hence, the renewed interest in this blog, the desire to build a website that I can add to as products and services become available, and the ambition to learn more about podcasting, voiceover acting, and creating YouTube videos.

No, these last are not taught as part of the professional writing curriculum but, SNHU does stress diversity in the services you offer. Sort of a “don’t-put-all-your-eggs-into-one-basket” mentality. In today’s primarily part-time job market, it’s sound advice. The full-time, blue collar profession, with benefits and competitive wages, to which one can devote 20+ years and then retire, is a fond memory of our parents’ and grandparents’ generation. This Gen-X-er has always chafed and sneered at being called the “lost” or “forgotten” generation but, in this instance, it fits. Gen-X-ers grew up during the transition from full-time, blue collar and today’s advanced AI. When I was in high school, we were still being taught to focus on that one career that would stand us for much of our adult life while being introduced to DOS programming; Windows didn’t officially start until the year after I graduated. There’s been a constant learning curve ever since and I’m looking forward to learning still more…despite my obsession with all things 19th century.

How’s that for an oxymoron?

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Appreciation, Christianity, Compassion, Family, Healing, illness, Introvert, Love, Scripture, Self-esteem, Writing

The Need for Solitude

“Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

Yup, that title does seem to contradict the passage from Scripture that I shared today. But it’s relevant.

I’m my worst enemy. I beat up on myself constantly, feeling selfish for taking a couple of hours each morning to write…because that’s what I do. That’s what makes me, well, me. I’ve also been feeling guilty for going to bed a little earlier, rather than sitting up with Mom (night owl), that I might get up early without sacrificing sleep. I feel like the bad daughter for getting together with friends by myself…even when Mom reassures me that I should be getting out with my friends once in awhile (Mom doesn’t drive, by the way).

But you know what I’m starting to realize?

I have less time and consideration for others when I don’t take those all-important times for myself. I catch myself zoning out at work when others are talking. I have to curb the rise of impatience when Mom, who has been home all day alone, anxiously relays the latest coronavirus news she read online. My time with the animals becomes the bare minimum of feeding and watering, maybe a quick scratch behind the ears, before I “escape” behind a book or a YouTube video. I snap. I huff out a breath of impatience. In short, I’m as prickly as a hedgehog on steroids, leaving everyone else hurt and bewildered by my inattention.

I’ve blogged about being an introvert before. I am often a chatterbox with those I’m closest to but, even with loved ones, an endless barrage of people-time makes me physically ill. I’m not a snob, or anti-social; it’s just part of being an introvert. Crowds make me feel lonely. Constant socializing feels overwhelming. I’m learning more and more how important it is to find a healthy balance so that quality time with loved ones truly is.

Now, if I could only silence that obnoxious tape playing in my head that tells me how horrible I am for needing that solitude. The way I see it after proofreading this, the real selfishness would be to give the hedgehog a few more steroids.

May God bless you & keep you!