Category: Self-esteem

Abuse, Addiction, Alcoholism, Christianity, Community, Faith, God/Jesus, Healing, Scripture, Self-esteem, Self-improvement, Social Media

End Days

Lisa Burbank

“This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce-breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.” (2 Timothy 3:1-6)

I don’t know if these are truly “end days” but it sure feels like it when I read that passage from Scripture.

I mentioned in my last post that social media is breeding narcissists, or men who “shall be lovers of themselves.” Granted, this is only one person’s opinion based on personal observation, but it is what I see.

I refuse to refer to any dictionary written within the last 20 years, except for comparison, as the definitions keep changing to suit the more depraved needs of our fallen society. That being said, the 1967 edition of the Merriam Webster Dictionary defines narcissism as another word for egoism, or egocentrism.

Egoism is “1. a doctrine that all the elements of knowledge are in the ego and its relations, 2a. an ethical doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action, 2b. an ethical doctrine that individual self-interest is the valid end to all action.”

Egocentric, the root of egocentrism, has this to say “1. concerned with the individual rather than society, 2. taking the ego as the starting point in philosophy, 3a. limited in outlook or concern to one’s own activities or needs, 3b. selfish.”

Today narcissism has had more controlling and manipulative traits added to its definition. If you Google narcissism, you get: “a personality style marked by grandiose self-importance, a profound lack of empathy, a constant need for admiration, and a belief in one’s own uniqueness and special status.” Then AI goes on to say that there is a “sense of entitlement,” “fantasies of success” and “exploitative behavior.” This definition seems to build upon the earlier, and likely more accurate definition, but there is also further reading about something called: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Sadly, every bad behavior, every area of our lives where there is a need for God’s healing and love, we turn into a disease or a disorder…and there’s definitely some validity in that. This is because it makes it easier for the victim–whether we’re talking about the person(s) adversely affected by another’s poor behavior, or the person caught up in that poor behavior–to heal, to see what’s been afflicted upon them as something more manageable, something they can change, or improve upon.

Oftentimes, with any sort of abuse–including controlling and manipulative behavior–the victim (in this case, the person being adversely affected by another’s behavior) takes on the mantle of blame and shame. It’s somehow their fault. We see this especially in children. The child who is being abused in some way pushes himself/herself to excel…to a point of fanaticism, where it actually becomes a form of self-harm. Their whole sense of being is tied up in winning, in doing their best…and that best is never good enough because, if they were good enough, they wouldn’t be abused. It’s a vicious cycle. I call them “mind tapes” and they are the most insidious consequences of abuse. By calling the abuse, the addiction, the controlling and/or manipulative behaviors a “disorder” or a “disease,” we help rewrite those “tapes.” The victim learns to accept that it wasn’t their fault.

The flip side of that is by re-labeling something a “disease” or a “disorder,” sometimes accountability gets lost.

Yes, oftentimes the person with the “disorder” or the “disease” was themselves a victim of someone else’s “disorder” or “disease” and never learned any other way of behaving, or treating others. And, yes, they often do see, or hear, themselves. The regret and shame get internalized, festering, growing, tying them in as many knots as the people around them. At some point, they hit rock bottom and finally seek the help they need to heal.

Or not.

Some people never seek help. Some people never see a problem, never believe there’s been harm done.

That’s happening on social media, too. We have the armchair critic, or “expert,” who “shouts” down anyone who disagrees with them. Their pages are filled with vitriolic memes against Democrats, Republicans, Christians and our Founding Fathers. If said memes make some sort of claim and one fact-checks it, sharing a link to that fact-check, they become unhinged. There’s no reasoning with them.

Just like there’s no reasoning with the alcoholic, the drug, sex or gambling addict, etc.

One thing that none of the definitions of narcissism includes is that, oftentimes, the person who displays this egocentric behavior does NOT truly think so highly of themselves. Oftentimes, the narcissistic behavior masks a carefully hidden lack of confidence and faith in their own worth. The definition is only about the behavior itself, not the root cause of it.

And where do we most see this mirrored?

Yes, on social media.

Every armchair critic or “expert” seeks validation of their beliefs and opinions. That’s often why they react so strongly when somebody calls them out, or simply does not share their opinion: only their opinion matters.

We share photos of our own accomplishments, and those of our children or grandchildren, but how often do we share the accomplishments of others?

And though it may seem innocuous enough, and some may engage in it just for the fun of it, instead of posting an actual photograph of ourselves, we create an avatar. We use the provided filters to create an image that completely takes away from our true beauty. At best, we upload a photo from 20 years ago…when we were younger, thinner, etc. In short, we create a lie. We allow our egos, bruised and battered though they may be, to elevate “self” rather than others…as He has called us to do.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Appreciation, Books, Faith, Finances, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, Homesteading, Scripture, Self-esteem, Self-improvement, Writing

Mistakes and Other Misdemeanors

Lisa Burbank

“For there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Not so much mistakes, although I’ve made plenty of those, but mishaps and failures. And I judge myself for them far more harshly than I ever would another human being.

He’s been giving me little messages over the last few days to lighten up on myself. Yes, there have been a lot of setbacks in recent years. Yes, I have a lot of work ahead of me. And, yes, if I think about it too much, I do feel a little overwhelmed. No, the outcome won’t be perfect. I’m learning I don’t have to do it all in one fell swoop, as they say, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes long for a nose like Samantha Stevens that could just make it all happen in an instant.

It’s been a long time since I’ve really talked about homesteading. At this point in time, I’m really thinking much smaller. Some of it is an age thing: 60 is looming ever closer. Some of it is location: another big box store going in down the road from us. And some of it is the need for more land without the means of obtaining it…at least not at the moment.

What can I do here?

I am incredibly grateful to have beaten foreclosure two years’ ago so, I’m taking care right now not to lament any financial or zoning restrictions that might throw a monkey wrench in my future plans…or any physical limitations that may crop up as I “mature”. I haven’t forgotten the stress or the fear, and I don’t want to suddenly appear ungrateful for the miracle that allowed me to keep my home.

The “mistake,” or “misdemeanor,” has been the ongoing push for more, more, more. Instead of truly learning, or enjoying, what is. It’s been the overextension of my personal resources, not just financial, but strength and stamina, and the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else is allotted. It’s been the lack of planning for the future I dream of…and the lack of acceptance that what I dream of may not be in His plans for me at all.

I suspect there will always be a part of me that keeps overfilling my proverbial plate. Call it a self-esteem issue, searching for worth, for fulfillment. Searching for something in the world…rather than through the only One who can truly fill me. I fill and overfill because there is a part of me that will always think I’m not “enough”. So, starting right here with what I have right now is a good way to truly heal those feelings of unworthiness. Taking baby steps, doing what I can with what I have on hand, and considering the results a year from now…or 5…or 10.

My home was saved for a reason. He has a job for me to do here. Whether it’s the library where I now work full-time as director, or something else entirely, I have no way of knowing, but I trust Him to show me the way in His time, rather than my own.

Of course, I keep reminding myself that my first priority has little to do with homesteading. My first priority on this earthly plain is to pay off student debt and focus on my writing. The first novel is completed. It’s now in the revision stages.

Will it sell? Will it attract an actual publisher, editor, agent? Or will I be forced to go the self-publishing route? And “forced” is too harsh a word, really. I’m actually considering serializing my book as writers of old used to (Mark Twain, Harriet Beecher Stowe). Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Scaling back on my homesteading endeavors to fit the current just-under-an-acre footprint isn’t really a sign of failure, or a mistake. Mistakes are meant to teach us something. The only true failure is when we refuse to learn the lessons they teach.

It’s been a hard lesson, indeed, to learn that, yes, I do have limitations. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up, or giving in. It’s more like fine tuning. I’m finally learning to enjoy the journey instead of obsessing over the destination. How ’bout you?

May God bless you & keep you!

Abuse, Alcoholism, Bereavement, Christianity, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grief, Healing, Humanity First, Love, Memories, Politics, Prayer, Scripture, Self-esteem, Tradition, Understanding

It’s An Age Thing

Lisa Burbank

“The righteous flourish like the palm tree and grow like a cedar in Lebanon. They are planted in the house of the Lord; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green, to declare that the Lord is upright; He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him.” (Psalm 92:12-15)

I turned 58 last Wednesday. Not a milestone of any kind, and a day like any other. The many Facebook posts and text messages wishing me a “Happy Birthday!” were about the only occasions to mark it (outside of dinner on Sunday with Mom and a friend). None of this is a lamentation of any kind. I am grateful for all the well-wishing. But, damn, if I don’t feel every inch of those 58 years these days!

Aside from the usual aches and pains that accompany aging…especially those of us who have long abandoned our yoga practice…it’s the heartache that also accompanies this aging process. As the old saying goes: “Growing old ain’t for sissies!”

It’s the faces no longer here, which seems to occur with more rapidity as the years advance. It’s also the changes in relationships.

And, along those veins, a lamentation against modern technology and the havoc it can wreak. I.e. We are far more open about our thoughts and feelings on social media than we are in person. We say things maybe we wouldn’t. And, for those of us who have always been the dour church mouse in the corner, we speak up for ourselves where, in person, we’d probably continue to take the verbal abuse.

My bestie since middle school unfriended me because she didn’t agree with whom I cast my vote for in the presidential election. That’s her right not to agree with my choice. But it was the insinuation posted on Facebook that she wouldn’t trust old friends with the whereabouts of Anne Frank that stung. I haven’t become this racist, homophobe, wannabe fascist because my more conservative side has emerged in the face of certain social changes. Whatever your skin tone, religious beliefs, country of origin, gender, or sexual orientation, you are welcome at my table as a friend…and always will be. If someone slights you because of who you are, I will still fight by your side for fair treatment. As long as you treat me and mine with the same respect and courtesy, that will never change. I will add whatever your political views to the list above, too.

I don’t care about any of that. I care about YOU.

There’s been a lot of reflection this past week. And a realization that my bestie hasn’t picked up the phone to call me just to chat in almost 10 years. I assumed it had to do with the “convenience” of social media. But, over the years, my calls to her have almost always gone to voicemail…and never a returned call. Those rare times that she has answered, it was as though she couldn’t wait to get off the phone again. I’ve wracked my brain for some sort of incident that might have precluded this behavior. We’ve never had an angry exchange of words. And I’ve never known my bestie to be shy about expressing her feelings…even before social media.

I could be entirely barking up the wrong tree: she got married about 10 years ago. For those new to the blog, I grew up with a stepfather who, to keep it G-rated, wanted a little too much to do with me. He was also an alcoholic and, when under the influence, would fly into rages. Little by little, he pulled Mom away from the influence of others in her life: friends, family members. I can’t help wondering, when looking back over these recent years, if my voting preferences weren’t simply a final excuse to cut me out of her life…because maybe her new husband is doing what my stepfather did and constantly reminding her of “offenses” that were never really offenses to pull her away from others (i.e. a control issue).

The changes in our relationship over the years haven’t been lost on me but, knowing how strong of an inferiority complex I have from the aforementioned childhood, I’ve always assumed maybe I was being overly-sensitive. I’ve always trusted that our friendship was solid enough that, if there was ever a real problem between us, we could talk about it.

The other possibility is she’s afraid of saying something more hurtful and destroying the relationship altogether. And I’ll give her that. It’s a rather childish response, and a hurtful one, but I can accept it.

I just hope she knows I’m still here if she needs a friend to talk to (incidentally, my bestie and I live half a continent away from each other…not exactly a ride across town to see what’s up) if my earlier suspicions are correct.

These are the complexities of getting older, of seeing friendships change…some for the better, some withering away. It’s especially heartbreaking in this age of advanced technology that, while it has its uses, like everything, it also has its evil side. Relationships are always changing and evolving, always has been that way, but today, it’s much easier to slam the cyber door shut than it was the physical one in generations’ past.

I love my bestie. I love a lot of other friends who have gotten angry over my recent political choices. We don’t have to agree with each other, but we should be willing to look past those differences of opinion to the person inside. When we shut our hearts, and our minds…and our screens…against any effort to understand at all the what and why that may be driving those choices, we open the door to the adversary even more broadly. With today’s technology, he’s wringing his hands with glee and ecstasy the more divided we become…as individuals, as a nation, as a world on the cusp of nuclear war.

I hate how complex life seems to get the older I get. I feel my age more and more as the world changes around me…and feel a sense of rebellion against it. I understand my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles more as I age, the clinging on to fond memories…and the feeling of being forgotten by a society that scoffs at those memories.

My door is still open to my bestie. My hope and prayer is that, once the mad fades away with time, she’ll “friend” me again, answer my calls and/or return them. If she needs a friend to talk to, I hope she knows, I will always be there for her. Perhaps she won’t understand it, will mock me as a door mat, or some such. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of forgiveness, of loving the whole person despite their sins. She’s an atheist to this born-again Christian, so perhaps this was bound to happen with such a differing worldview. But I will always love her…despite those differences.

That’s one of the many blessings of getting older: you understand what matters most. It’s the people who share all those memories, who share however many trips around the sun we get to travel in this life that matter. And, because they do, I refuse to close that cyber door in return…or any physical doors. Life is too short.

May God bless you & keep you!

19th century, Appreciation, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Community, Compassion, Culture, Family, Finances, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, History, Human rights, Nostalgia, Politics, Poverty, Scripture, Self-esteem

Seeking Humility

Lisa Burbank

“If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” (2 Chronicles 7:14)

Oh, it’s so easy to get caught up in the political propaganda machine! Yes, there was a political post two weeks’ ago before the election. I tried to stay middle of the road, but in my most honest moments, I did stray further to the right than the left in my commentary. These days my more conservative side is shining through over that part of me that is often liberal.

But this is neither here nor there.

The true test of my mettle has been since election night. I’ve wanted to cheer and do a happy dance (yes, me, the never-Trumper). But that’s the equivalent of rubbing salt in a wound for those whose candidate did not win. So I’ve contented myself with a simple: “Congratulations, Mr. Trump & Mr. Vance! God bless America!” on social media. Neither of these men are likely to see it, and even if they do, I’m a faceless name in a sea of posts, but I didn’t want to gloat.

Okay. Yes, I did. But, again, I chose to listen to the guy with the halo on my shoulder rather than the one with the pitchfork this time.

To make sure the point got driven home, He chose last week to cut off my wi-fi. Two rapid changes in wi-fi providers meant a billing statement got lost in the shuffle. Thankfully, it was a relatively easy fix, but it made me think about all of the people in this country for whom this wouldn’t be an easy fix.

Since last Tuesday, I’ve read a lot of posts decrying that far too many Americans chose money over morals. It’s an ugly suggestion that smacks at the biblical admonishment about the love of money being the root of all evil. Love of money is more like the character of Scrooge in Charles Dickens’ classic, A Christmas Carol: it’s where you love the coins piling up more than the good you could do with that money and piling it up becomes your only aim. It’s also where you put the earning of money before time spent with family making memories, where we value the bigger, fancier house and car, and dream vacations, over what should matter more: faith, family, friends.

That’s not what people voted for.

We live in a cash society. It’s something I lament nearly every day of my life. My years in living history taught me how much more freedom our ancestors had when they could bring a pail of old rags into a country store, have them weighed up, and receive so much credit in the store for them. (This is an example; there were many more commodities that could be bartered for what we needed) The shopkeeper would then take those rags, plus the rags delivered by other patrons, to the paper manufacturers and trade them for reams of paper to stock in his store. Very little coin was ever exchanged, but each had what they needed to survive (we manufactured paper out of cloth until 1954; many older readers might remember the rag man coming to call…). Community seemed to have a much deeper meaning then.

But that’s not the world we live in today. The first, and each subsequent, industrial revolution changed all of that. As mass-produced goods became more readily available, we chose convenience over quality…both in goods, and in life, but don’t get me started down that rabbit hole!

We live in a cash society. If we want to feed our families, instead of working our own farm and growing and/or raising our own food, most work a 9-to-5, receive a paycheck, and then go to the grocery store for our sustenance (I also won’t go down the rabbit hole about the “food” lining the aisles of that store…). We have to pay a mortgage, or rent, each month for shelter. We pay for our heating and lighting sources, and every other “extra” in our lives.

It wasn’t love of money that gave us the election results. It was the necessity of having enough money in this cash society, or of making our dollars stretch far enough in it, that we don’t go hungry…or find ourselves at risk of eviction, or foreclosure. As I was just recently hovering over the latter, I take exception to those who suggest we chose money over morals.

Our economy is tanked. GDP and unemployment numbers, as my fellow Democrats, shouted loudly and proudly during Trump’s last tenure, are NOT a true measure of how our economy is doing. The Democrats may have changed their tune in the last few years, but it doesn’t make that statement any less true. The numbers may look good on paper, per se, but if those numbers are not reflected in an improved quality of life for we the people, yes, we’re going to vote for the person promising cheaper energy, lower taxes and interest rates, better jobs, and the overall improvement of our lives as a result.

Like so many of my fellow Americans, despite being once again right-side-up on my mortgage payments–something I feel immeasurable gratitude for each and every day–I’m still robbing Peter to pay Paul.

My mishap with the internet was a result of being waylaid at Walmart by representatives from Frontier to switch to their service, then being somewhat unsatisfied with Frontier’s service, and when I called Spectrum to cancel my service with them, being offered a better deal, one that amortized my wi-fi and cellphone services into one bill that basically wiped out the cellphone service I had with T-Mobile. Hey, a savings of $90 a month (two phones) is nothing to sneeze at.

We were humbled further this month when Mom’s bank account was hacked, costing her most of her social security check.

Then the mortgage company sold my mortgage to another bank. There was an inspection fee that got added to my payment this month, another $300. (Yeah, I’m hearing the echo of Andrew Yang and Bernie Sanders both lamenting how “millions of Americans cannot afford an unexpected debt of $300…”)

It’s been a rough month. And I was humbled by another visit to the local food pantry.

It was there that true humility rippled through me. First, I was mortified to stand there again (pride goeth…). Then I saw some of my patrons to the library standing in line. Holy crap!

So many social media posts from fellow Democrats point the finger at those standing in that line as having brought their circumstances upon themselves, usually in the form of “they don’t take advantage of the opportunities they’ve been given” or “they don’t want to work”. These are the same people who attacked their Republican neighbors between 2017-2020 for pointing the same fingers. I was doing the same thing: judging others unfavorably, making assumptions that had no real grounds at all.

I was even judging myself unfavorably…how quickly we forget!

Maybe I’m not showing true humility to point out the hypocrisy of others here, especially when I share in it, but it saddens me because this shaming of those who are in need is a societal tumor. I hesitated to reach for help because of it. How many more suffer in silence, too far beaten down, afraid and ashamed to reach out to a society that judges them so unfairly?

I stand guilty as charged.

Still, and maybe it’s because I have been on both sides of this societal tumor, in my heart, I feel there is a need to call it out. There is a need to humble myself first and foremost, and to shine a light on the hypocrisy of others…and the division it causes. Will it make a difference? If it does so only in the heart of one single individual, then I’ve achieved my goal.

He reminded me of where I was just a year ago.

You see, as I stood in that line, I knew the circumstances of some of these people. I saw them everyday at work. I have talked with them. And, in my heart, I have loved them as friends and acquaintances. I know about the woman whose husband collapsed on the porch and has to have surgery. I know the man in the wheelchair, the one who was homeless until an accident took his ability to walk. I know that young mother trying to raise her children alone.

How would they handle an additional $300 this month for their shelter? How would they survive if their bank account was hacked? Most of them probably don’t even have internet or wi-fi at home. Many of those faces visit the library to use ours.

Suddenly, I felt blessed. I have so much. Yes, there is still want. There are still some needs in my life not being met. There is still a struggle going on, but I feel blessed…because the stories of my neighbors are also my story. They’re not stories of some defect of character, as those pointing the finger suggest, but the stories of a nation gone sadly awry and in need of a helping hand as much as each individual in that line. Incidentally, that line was wrapped around the building where we congregated…a 12,000 square foot building in a community of less than 9000 souls.

So, no, we didn’t vote for money over morals. Quite the opposite. We voted to help our fellow Americans, our neighbors and friends, find the means to pick themselves up by those proverbial bootstraps and the dignity that comes with earning one’s way in the world. We voted, too, for that sense of community that helps to lift those up whose circumstances won’t allow them to pick themselves up without a little help. Needing help shouldn’t be something that leaves our neighbors so ashamed that they don’t reach out for that help. It should be something that leaves those of us more fortunate ashamed for judging those who need a little–or even a lot–of help.

Because we’re all one family…God’s family. And when just one of us hurts, we all hurt. We voted to stop the hurting.

May God bless you & keep you!

Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Environment, Faith, God/Jesus, Herbs, Holistic Health, Homesteading, Nature, Plants, Prayer, Self-esteem

Wednesday’s “Weed” Walk: A Re-Cap of My First “Live” Weed Walk

Lisa Burbank

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

On Saturday, June 3, 2023 I found myself staring down Imposter Syndrome with more resolve than real strength and conviction. I had prepared for this…but maybe not enough. Maybe I didn’t know enough herbs. Maybe I didn’t know enough about them. I took notes. Would they see me as more of a fraud if I had to use them? I didn’t study the notes enough. I didn’t memorize every fact, fable, or theory about each plant. I didn’t know every. Single. Plant. In the forest.

Dang! Who am I to call myself an herbalist?

Salvation came whilst standing in the short strip of meadow while waiting for everyone to join me for this “weed” walk. There at my feet were two of my best known—and loved—herbs: a dandelion, and plantain. This last is not the banana-shaped fruit found in many grocery stores. It is a type of crabgrass. And the dandelion? There’s a reason my Jillian is holding a dandelion in her mouth as part of The Herbal Hare icon. I’ve been drawn to dandelions since the day I took my first steps…or near abouts. My mother and grandmothers all had little Dixie cups filled with dandelion blossoms lining their windowsills when I was a kid.

Plantain (Plantago lanceolata)

Relax. Breathe. I’ve got this…at least with these two.

From there, I led a small group of 6—counting the lovely Australian shepherd who joined us for the walk; she said she got all of this, too—through myriad forest paths, up steep inclines and over rocky, dried-out streambeds. And, while there were a few stretches where that Imposter Syndrome kept trying to creep in again (we had about a 10 minute walk along paths lined with nothing but poison ivy, jewelweed, and Virginia creeper), I found enough to keep it interesting. There was even a note of praise on the library’s Facebook page later that day for the fun everyone had learning about some of the plants that share our little corner of Connecticut.

Here’s a recap of what we saw: Plantain (Plantago lanceolate), Dandelion (Taraxacum officinalis), Multiflora Rose (Rosa multiflora), Jewelweed (Impatiens capensis), Cleavers (Galium aperine), Virginia Creeper (Parthenocissus quinquefolia), Hairy Solomon’s Seal (Polygonatum pubescens), Skunk Cabbage (Symplocarpus foetidus), Buttercup (Ranunculus acris), Dame’s Rocket (Hesperis matronalis) and Stinging Nettle (Urtica dioica). It might be fun over the next few weeks to feature each of these for a Wednesday’s Weed Walk—except the Dandelion and Plantain. I think I’ve done at least two blog posts for each; I’ll have to put a link to them in the coming weeks. 😉

May God bless you & keep you!

Creativity, Emergency Preparedness, Faith, Folklore, Gaia, gardening, God/Jesus, Healing, Herbs, History, Holistic Health, Homesteading, Nature, Plants, Self-esteem, Self-improvement

A Saturday Weed Walk

Lisa Burbank

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.” (Psalm 16: 5-6)

This one is live! As in, in-person…my first!

To say that I’m not feeling a bit of that “Imposter Syndrome” would be a lie. Yes, I am a certified herbalist…and a Master Gardener. Yes, I do know how to use herbs and make medicine, health & beauty aids. I know how to use herbs for scent and I have at least a rudimentary knowledge of how to make dyes with some. And, yes, there are certain ones I can readily identify in the wild.

However, a recent walk through the nature trail that I will be working from at this live event revealed there are a lot of plants I don’t know. And, in this particular setting, there wasn’t a huge variety of plants…outside of some invasive species. That being said, I identified enough that I can put together an interesting walk.

At least I hope so…

Again, “Imposter Syndrome”–I am plagued with doubts. However, if I was too cocky and sure of myself, that would be the road to failure. A little nervousness is to be expected and, like all things, the more often I do this, the more comfortable I’ll get with it…and, in the future, I’ll make it a point to plan more “weed” walks through abandoned lots and sunny meadows rather than deep woods and dappled sunlight since most of the herbs I’m most familiar with are typically grown in sunnier locales. ;o)

Despite my nerves, I’m looking forward to the challenge of creating a fun and interesting experience for everyone who decides to join me on the walk.

If you live in northeastern Connecticut, the “weed” walk is part of an event being hosted by the Brooklyn Middle School in Brooklyn, CT between 10:00 a.m. and 12:00 p.m. on Saturday, June 3, 2023. Wear your walking shoes because the terrain is uneven, rocky in places, full of roots ready to trip you up, and steep in some areas.

May God bless you & keep you!

19th century, Abuse, Addiction, Alcoholism, Animal Rights, Animals, Appreciation, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Compassion, Creativity, Emergency Preparedness, Environment, Faith, gardening, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, Herbs, Homesteading, Love, Plants, Reading, Religion, Self-esteem, Writing

X to have Z…

Lisa Burbank

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not from you; it is the gift of God; it is not from works, so no one may boast.” (Ephesians, 2:8-9)

I want to be a writer, but I have to have some other career to support it, I have to do something else besides write…well, not all of us can be the next Toni Morrison or Stephen King so maybe there’s some truth to this one…but there must be something defectively wrong with me to not have found another career option that I feel just as passionate about…

Like some of my favorite authors who write 8 hours a day, I have to carve out 8 hours of my own to dedicate to my novel, my blog, etc; I can’t be a writer if I don’t write every day for 8 hours a day…even with a “day” job and a small hobby farm and the need to eat, sleep and, well, you know…

Like a favorite singer/songwriter, I do my best writing at 3:30 a.m. so, if I don’t get up at 3:30 a.m. every day to write, I’m not doing my best writing?

I can’t run a used bookstore; I won’t make enough money from it to support myself; I need another career to supplement it (it’s like the writer thing…)

I want to rescue animals, to offer them sanctuary–and often do–but, I’m a single female and I’m in danger of becoming a hoarder–or so the media tells me. If I was married, or a man, and still took in the occasional stray cat, and the free-to-good-home rabbits and goats, etc., found forever homes for some and offered a forever home to others, because their original humans were being evicted and no longer had a home to offer them, would I NOT be in danger of becoming a hoarder?

I want to homestead, to grow my own food and produce my own clothing, to live as sustainably as possible and lower my carbon footprint, but I don’t have enough land, enough money, enough knowledge, and I have to start right here…well, I have, sort of, but I’m also facing foreclosure myself so there’s a bit of apathy getting in the way. Why keep investing here when here may soon be gone?

In my youth, I wanted to be a rock star but, I didn’t keep my guitar strapped to me day in and day out. I only spent an hour or two each day practicing after work, so I guess I must not have wanted it so badly…

When I worked in living history, I told myself I didn’t know enough about either herbs or gardening to manage an heirloom herb garden. I felt like a fraud and everyone would find out eventually that I didn’t have what it takes. It’s called Imposter Syndrome; I just learned about it in my first class as I work towards my MFA in Creative Writing…

I made a mistake 10 years’ ago and rushed headlong into an abusive relationship with someone. I knew better, saw trouble coming a mile away, heard the voice of Reason in my ear saying, “Walk the other way” and ignored it; gave him a chance. I no longer deserve God’s grace…or His love…or the love of another man should I ever meet him…

These are the lies I tell myself, among others. Having just turned 55, “I’m too old” is another…even with the evidence before me that age has nothing to do with success or love or, well, anything…except maybe wisdom and experience, and the appreciation that usually comes with them.

“I’m not worthy” is the overall underlying message in each of these. I have to *earn* it. And, yes, if I want to write, I have to write. If I want to grow food, I have to plant a garden. If I want to be taken seriously at any endeavor and meet with success, I have to do the work. So, these things I tell myself each day have an undercurrent of truth and practicality ringing through.

The Serpent is cunning, to say the least…

There are conditions to everything, especially when you grow up in a house with addictions and abuse. A loving Father is an alien concept. And, no matter how much love, support, etc. you receive from others, that nuclear family unit that consists of parents, siblings and yourself, has the power to shape your way of thinking for life. So, it’s no wonder I’ve tied myself in knots and can’t seem to get out of my own way. Writing books, selling used books, caring for unwanted animals (or those on the receiving end of someone’s hard luck), homesteading and prepping, even learning an instrument by themselves may not be *enough* income to survive, let alone thrive, but together? Or, even if I still work a “day” job, I’m not allowed the joy that each may bring to me?

They’re idols.

That’s another lie echoing through my mind. The Lord has brought me to this place because I’ve made “idols” of animals and books, and I’m trying to live self-sufficiently, which means I’m not relying on Him…or so I’ve heard said. To punish me for this “idolatry”, He’s going to whisk it all away. Hence, the impending doom of foreclosure and zoning challenges…

Who would follow such a God?

Or am I wrong? Will I be stripped down to nothing? Am I being taught another lesson in not judging others for decisions they’ve made during hard luck circumstances? Again, I don’t deserve His grace because I haven’t always given grace to others…

Praise God we don’t get what we *deserve* for our mistakes. Ultimately, I know there’s nothing we can do to *earn* his grace; it is already freely given but, my faith needs a good bolstering today.

May God bless you & keep you!

Abuse, Addiction, Animals, Compassion, Exhaustion, Faith, Healing, Human rights, Nature, Poverty, Self-esteem

Of Mice and Women…

Lisa Burbank

“I am leaving you with a gift– peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27)

This morning I watched Luna, Jerry and Sadie totally absorbed in catching a mouse. The tender heart here has learned just to let nature take its course. While I feel badly for the mouse, another part of me can’t help thinking, “What was that mouse thinking?” I am the crazy cat lady! Did he/she not smell the scent of feline before entering this house??? And then, if I gave in to the tender heart, captured said mouse, and set him/her free, he or she would only run right back in through whatever crack it came through in the first place. Mice are supposed to be intelligent creatures. That’s why we use them, and their rat cousins, in all kinds of mental health and behavioral studies (grrr…I hate vivisection!).

And then, for some strange reason, and it’s funny how these things come to you, I realized there’s a metaphor here.

You see, I was questioning the sanity of a mouse, the logic with which this tiny creature sought entry into a house, knowing by his/her quivering, whiskery olfactory that death awaited them inside. However, autumn is upon us. Chilly winds blow. Rain is falling, making everything wet outside. The scent of feline was overrode by the necessity of warmth that other senses undoubtedly picked up along with the scent of eau de ME-OW! Desperation for a warm place to over the coming winter won out over common sense (if mice even own such a thing as common sense; even most humans seem incapable of it these days…).

Again, I’m not sure how my mind went off on this tangent, but people do the same thing when it comes to abusive relationships. Maybe it’s not warmth (i.e. we may already have a roof overhead for the winter), but companionship. A fear of being alone. It could be economic struggles and the very real exhaustion that comes with it, wanting someone else to share the burden of this mortal life. And so…and while I know men also find themselves in abusive situations, I see more women friends going back…that seemingly intelligent woman either enters into a new relationship out of some sense of need, or worse, goes back to a relationship that had already proven itself abusive.

It’s this last where the mouse metaphor comes from. Like the mouse who’d been cornered by several felines, being batted about like a ping pong ball, who runs back in to those felines after being set free of their abuse, so often does the human run back. And, like the mouse whose intellect and sanity I questioned, those of us seeing this return to abuse, often question the sanity and intellect of the human who did likewise. Shame on us!

The good Lord humbled me several years ago with an abusive relationship. I used to judge those harshly who never seemed able to leave their abuser. I would scoff at their defense of, “But I love him/her!”

Until it happened to me.

No, I wasn’t physically abused by this person, though he threatened to do so at one point, but I endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse. And, still, to this day, wonder why I did. I, too, am an intelligent creature. Yet I stayed. And, yes, while it definitely wasn’t “The One”, there was at least a level of infatuation with this person. No, I don’t think the mouse loves my cats, or is even infatuated with them. But, like the mouse, I kept hoping things would change for the better…until I finally realized the only way that would happen was if I made the change happen by ending the relationship…instead of repeating the same actions and hoping for a different outcome.

I was able to do that. Not everyone has the courage to do so. More importantly, not everyone has the confidence to do so. Not everyone can reach the point where I did of thinking, “Even if I struggle harder financially, I will be better off without this person in my life” and so, I released the toxin. I also had the advantage of owning the house so I wasn’t faced with any practical considerations.

I was lucky. He wasn’t obsessive. He didn’t keep coming back, harassing me, or threatening me in any way. I haven’t heard from him but once since and it was brief. For many, their abuser is obsessive. Their abuser is a lot like my cats who, even after I have put said mouse outside in the hopes that he/she will seek safer enclaves, will continue to search this house high and low for their prey. Hours will pass with such single-minded purpose…until either the mouse comes back, or another victim crosses their line of sight. In short, we can’t change the abuser, unless they want to change. Put a mouse in this house and my cats won’t even come down for breakfast, an event they usually won’t miss on pain of death (no pun intended). And, for the mouse, unless he/she actually finds a cozier spot to occupy, will eventually meet that end. His is a simpler need of simple warmth and a food source. For humans, it’s a bit more complex given human emotions, the usual brainwashing of the abuser, etc. But, often, once a human is finally free of that toxic relationship, those who supported them on their journey out of it, forget about them. Yes, maybe they seem “needy”, and we find ourselves exhausted by that need, but loneliness can erode even the most iron will or confidence.

No, I’m not thinking of going back to any toxic relationships. I have shared often about my own financial difficulties. And, yes, occasionally, I do find myself thinking, “I wish I had that partner to at least bolster me up when my confidence–and faith–flags”. But, because I’m in such a place, I refuse to even entertain such a thing. It would be extremely unfair to another human being. And neither of us would ever be sure if we chose each other because we liked each other…or because we needed each other. That’s often how toxic relationships start in the first place. Like the mouse in this metaphor, I would be better served focusing on the scent of feline.

Now, what the heck was in my Chai tea this morning??? Lol!

May God bless you & keep you!

https://www.gofundme.com/help-our-farm-is-being-foreclosed

Abuse, Animals, Appreciation, Bereavement, Birthday Wishes, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Compassion, Exhaustion, Faith, Friendship, Frugality, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, Human rights, Humanity First, Poverty, Prayer, Scripture, Self-esteem, Self-improvement, Sleep Deprivation, Spirituality, Understanding, Writing

True Poverty

Lisa Burbank

“Mocking the poor is mocking the God who made them. He will punish those who rejoice at others’ misfortunes.” (Proverbs 17:5)

I received an invite to an outing to go whale watching from a cousin recently…which was then recanted after seeing my Go Fund Me campaign link on Facebook. Of course, nothing was said initially. As the date of the outing was coming up, I messaged her to ask if we were still on. She didn’t want me to feel “bad”. I’m not sure exactly what that meant but, I want to believe her heart was in the right place, and that she was simply being sensitive to my financial difficulties. I sincerely hope she wasn’t thinking I might “mooch” off of her, or others, in order to go. The expense was minor and, despite my situation, I would have enjoyed the outing…as a day of respite, perhaps, from my situation. I confess to feeling rather hurt, even if good intentions were meant.

It seems a common theme these days.

For those of you new to this blog, I fractured my shoulder two years ago and lost a full-time position as a result from my injury. I have yet to find full-time work again and am behind many months on my mortgage. It has gone into foreclosure…and even Covid allowances aren’t doing much to stall the progression. My inability to get the vaccine is making it harder to find that full-time position, even if I trusted the “poke” enough to do so. I have new neighbors who got themselves on the Planning & Zoning Board and are challenging my right to farm, to raise livestock, despite having engaged a zoning attorney over a dozen years ago and getting the okay to do so. Now I have beloved animals at risk if I cannot find an attorney to take on this case…and, of course, pay him/her to do so. The roof leaks. There’s mold growing. Something is driving my electric bill up to $700 each month (from $100) and the electric company sends me to Community Action who sends me back to the electric company to find out what it is and try to remedy it. The yard is overgrown, as usual, because I lack the proper tools to keep it up…or the means of hiring out for what I cannot do myself. I’m getting the runaround from the DMV. And I have nowhere to go if I can’t save my property and pets that I cannot bear to lose.

All of this bearing down on me, and I’m trying hard not to succumb to “victim mode”, but I really hate how society treats those who are either inherently poor (i.e. from birth), or simply have fallen on hard times.

I may have recanted the aforementioned outing myself after taking a careful look at my finances. I do work. I do have some income coming into my home. It’s just not enough to cover all of my expenses yet. So, while I appreciate the concern, it would’ve been nice to have been asked/reminded of the outing and still be regarded as a thinking, feeling human being…

Even if I had determined FOR MYSELF that, no, I couldn’t handle this expense this month (I get paid monthly by the library where I work).

The poor, the downtrodden, the down-on-their-luck individuals are half-humans for most of society. We’re too stupid to manage our own money…even though I lived on the savings, 401K and other investments that most experts advise for two whole years after being laid off in 2009 from a corporate position.

“We brought our poverty, or difficulties, onto ourselves”…even though we work whatever menial job comes our way and carefully budget, save, practice a frugality that most of society would never be able to handle if they were in our shoes, and either we were born into poverty already and so have a tougher climb up the ladder of success, or our difficulties are the result of a recession, depression, or an injury or illness. Not sure how that equates to bringing it all on ourselves but, so be it.

“We don’t want to work”…oftentimes, the poor in this world work harder than anyone but, wages, and hours available, seldom keep pace with the cost of basic needs. Despite the media hyping a “booming” job market, most are still part-time endeavors…and now we have mandates crippling our economy even more.

The financially-challenged are not allowed to have any enjoyment. God forbid you should have pets. Or buy a pizza for dinner on a rare occasion…even if you save some of it for lunch the next couple of days and, thus, get multiple meals out of it.

Yes, I’m angry. Yes, maybe feeling a little sorry for myself. But, more, I’m feeling a sense of loneliness that has this computer screen blurring even as I type. When you’ve been struggling as long as I have, there’s a sense of apathy that settles over you. Anxiety and depression war inside in an endless cycle that can often be crippling.

Yes, I’m partly to blame for my loneliness. I don’t reach out. I don’t pick up the phone just to call and say “hello” or find out how others are doing, but rarely does anyone do likewise for me. Mom and I could die over here and it would be weeks before anyone discovered our remains. Granted, in my apathy, in the uncertainty that such financial struggles bring, I have let everything go. My home is a fright so I don’t invite anyone in. I’ve gained weight, been eating mostly unhealthy, and most of my social interaction has been work…or the doctor’s office (I have a stress test coming up). I sleep a lot more but, it’s rarely solid. The mind races at night when all is quiet. Insomnia visits from time to time…as do nightmares and chronic fatigue syndrome. In short, I’m suddenly ashamed and I don’t want friends seeing how badly things have gotten. I am overwhelmed. And pride goeth before the fall.

Of course, I know the Adversary uses all of this to whisper his lies, to drag us down further and further away from God…and humanity. I’m not worthy. I’m unloved. God has forgotten me. I’ve used up all of His grace. The litany drones on. Rather than praise, my prayer life–when I remember it–has been a pathetic begging to be taken out of this storm. Maybe my lack of attention to the blessings He’s already bestowed upon me is part of the problem…even as I acknowledge the lack of means to provide some of that upkeep. (See how the Adversary works…)

And yet, I’m mindful that He is teaching me a lesson in all of this, too. Like many others, I never really recovered from the Great Recession so, when I fractured that shoulder, there was much less to fall back on to sustain me. Since 2009 I have had to swallow my pride many times to visit food pantries, apply for heating assistance and medical coverage through the state, and a host of other things just to survive. I used to judge others…much the same way I am lamenting being judged. I looked down my nose, rejected friendships from anyone who might be too “needy”. Now the shoe is on the other foot and, yes, it pinches. Bad…

But the greatest lesson of all has been three-fold. First and foremost, I cannot do this without Him. He’s asking me to rely on Him. To trust Him…no matter what happens. To believe that He still loves me, always has, always will. That’s a tough one for a survivor of abuse, the concept of a loving Father in heaven. The Adversary’s still whispering doubt in my ear even as I type. Proof that I need to draw closer to Him in this storm, rather than reject and withdraw.

Second is to remember that picking up that phone costs nothing. Even in my own need, there are others who could also use a friend…and it’s nice to be remembered “just because”. Walmart sells boxes of generic cards for under $2 each. A remembered birthday, a sympathy card when a friend loses a loved one, a get-well-soon might be appreciated far more than a quick blurb on Facebook. And it’s always nice to be asked.

The third part is to start sharing my life again…even if it is in chaos. Rare am I going to have posts about some amazing workshop that I attended or an outing I enjoyed; it’s simply not possible. And, while I hate constantly posting about my situation, maybe those kinds of posts would be less if I wrote more consistently about other things…and not just when my anxiety is through the roof and I’m in need of an outlet.

To everything there is a season…and I still have hope that He has a plan in all of this.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Appreciation, Christianity, Compassion, Family, Healing, illness, Introvert, Love, Scripture, Self-esteem, Writing

The Need for Solitude

Lisa Burbank

“Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

Yup, that title does seem to contradict the passage from Scripture that I shared today. But it’s relevant.

I’m my worst enemy. I beat up on myself constantly, feeling selfish for taking a couple of hours each morning to write…because that’s what I do. That’s what makes me, well, me. I’ve also been feeling guilty for going to bed a little earlier, rather than sitting up with Mom (night owl), that I might get up early without sacrificing sleep. I feel like the bad daughter for getting together with friends by myself…even when Mom reassures me that I should be getting out with my friends once in awhile (Mom doesn’t drive, by the way).

But you know what I’m starting to realize?

I have less time and consideration for others when I don’t take those all-important times for myself. I catch myself zoning out at work when others are talking. I have to curb the rise of impatience when Mom, who has been home all day alone, anxiously relays the latest coronavirus news she read online. My time with the animals becomes the bare minimum of feeding and watering, maybe a quick scratch behind the ears, before I “escape” behind a book or a YouTube video. I snap. I huff out a breath of impatience. In short, I’m as prickly as a hedgehog on steroids, leaving everyone else hurt and bewildered by my inattention.

I’ve blogged about being an introvert before. I am often a chatterbox with those I’m closest to but, even with loved ones, an endless barrage of people-time makes me physically ill. I’m not a snob, or anti-social; it’s just part of being an introvert. Crowds make me feel lonely. Constant socializing feels overwhelming. I’m learning more and more how important it is to find a healthy balance so that quality time with loved ones truly is.

Now, if I could only silence that obnoxious tape playing in my head that tells me how horrible I am for needing that solitude. The way I see it after proofreading this, the real selfishness would be to give the hedgehog a few more steroids.

May God bless you & keep you!