Category: Animals

Abuse, Addiction, Animals, Compassion, Exhaustion, Faith, Healing, Human rights, Nature, Poverty, Self-esteem

Of Mice and Women…

Lisa Burbank

“I am leaving you with a gift– peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” (John 14:27)

This morning I watched Luna, Jerry and Sadie totally absorbed in catching a mouse. The tender heart here has learned just to let nature take its course. While I feel badly for the mouse, another part of me can’t help thinking, “What was that mouse thinking?” I am the crazy cat lady! Did he/she not smell the scent of feline before entering this house??? And then, if I gave in to the tender heart, captured said mouse, and set him/her free, he or she would only run right back in through whatever crack it came through in the first place. Mice are supposed to be intelligent creatures. That’s why we use them, and their rat cousins, in all kinds of mental health and behavioral studies (grrr…I hate vivisection!).

And then, for some strange reason, and it’s funny how these things come to you, I realized there’s a metaphor here.

You see, I was questioning the sanity of a mouse, the logic with which this tiny creature sought entry into a house, knowing by his/her quivering, whiskery olfactory that death awaited them inside. However, autumn is upon us. Chilly winds blow. Rain is falling, making everything wet outside. The scent of feline was overrode by the necessity of warmth that other senses undoubtedly picked up along with the scent of eau de ME-OW! Desperation for a warm place to over the coming winter won out over common sense (if mice even own such a thing as common sense; even most humans seem incapable of it these days…).

Again, I’m not sure how my mind went off on this tangent, but people do the same thing when it comes to abusive relationships. Maybe it’s not warmth (i.e. we may already have a roof overhead for the winter), but companionship. A fear of being alone. It could be economic struggles and the very real exhaustion that comes with it, wanting someone else to share the burden of this mortal life. And so…and while I know men also find themselves in abusive situations, I see more women friends going back…that seemingly intelligent woman either enters into a new relationship out of some sense of need, or worse, goes back to a relationship that had already proven itself abusive.

It’s this last where the mouse metaphor comes from. Like the mouse who’d been cornered by several felines, being batted about like a ping pong ball, who runs back in to those felines after being set free of their abuse, so often does the human run back. And, like the mouse whose intellect and sanity I questioned, those of us seeing this return to abuse, often question the sanity and intellect of the human who did likewise. Shame on us!

The good Lord humbled me several years ago with an abusive relationship. I used to judge those harshly who never seemed able to leave their abuser. I would scoff at their defense of, “But I love him/her!”

Until it happened to me.

No, I wasn’t physically abused by this person, though he threatened to do so at one point, but I endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse. And, still, to this day, wonder why I did. I, too, am an intelligent creature. Yet I stayed. And, yes, while it definitely wasn’t “The One”, there was at least a level of infatuation with this person. No, I don’t think the mouse loves my cats, or is even infatuated with them. But, like the mouse, I kept hoping things would change for the better…until I finally realized the only way that would happen was if I made the change happen by ending the relationship…instead of repeating the same actions and hoping for a different outcome.

I was able to do that. Not everyone has the courage to do so. More importantly, not everyone has the confidence to do so. Not everyone can reach the point where I did of thinking, “Even if I struggle harder financially, I will be better off without this person in my life” and so, I released the toxin. I also had the advantage of owning the house so I wasn’t faced with any practical considerations.

I was lucky. He wasn’t obsessive. He didn’t keep coming back, harassing me, or threatening me in any way. I haven’t heard from him but once since and it was brief. For many, their abuser is obsessive. Their abuser is a lot like my cats who, even after I have put said mouse outside in the hopes that he/she will seek safer enclaves, will continue to search this house high and low for their prey. Hours will pass with such single-minded purpose…until either the mouse comes back, or another victim crosses their line of sight. In short, we can’t change the abuser, unless they want to change. Put a mouse in this house and my cats won’t even come down for breakfast, an event they usually won’t miss on pain of death (no pun intended). And, for the mouse, unless he/she actually finds a cozier spot to occupy, will eventually meet that end. His is a simpler need of simple warmth and a food source. For humans, it’s a bit more complex given human emotions, the usual brainwashing of the abuser, etc. But, often, once a human is finally free of that toxic relationship, those who supported them on their journey out of it, forget about them. Yes, maybe they seem “needy”, and we find ourselves exhausted by that need, but loneliness can erode even the most iron will or confidence.

No, I’m not thinking of going back to any toxic relationships. I have shared often about my own financial difficulties. And, yes, occasionally, I do find myself thinking, “I wish I had that partner to at least bolster me up when my confidence–and faith–flags”. But, because I’m in such a place, I refuse to even entertain such a thing. It would be extremely unfair to another human being. And neither of us would ever be sure if we chose each other because we liked each other…or because we needed each other. That’s often how toxic relationships start in the first place. Like the mouse in this metaphor, I would be better served focusing on the scent of feline.

Now, what the heck was in my Chai tea this morning??? Lol!

May God bless you & keep you!

https://www.gofundme.com/help-our-farm-is-being-foreclosed

Abuse, Animals, Appreciation, Bereavement, Birthday Wishes, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Compassion, Exhaustion, Faith, Friendship, Frugality, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, Human rights, Humanity First, Poverty, Prayer, Scripture, Self-esteem, Self-improvement, Sleep Deprivation, Spirituality, Understanding, Writing

True Poverty

Lisa Burbank

“Mocking the poor is mocking the God who made them. He will punish those who rejoice at others’ misfortunes.” (Proverbs 17:5)

I received an invite to an outing to go whale watching from a cousin recently…which was then recanted after seeing my Go Fund Me campaign link on Facebook. Of course, nothing was said initially. As the date of the outing was coming up, I messaged her to ask if we were still on. She didn’t want me to feel “bad”. I’m not sure exactly what that meant but, I want to believe her heart was in the right place, and that she was simply being sensitive to my financial difficulties. I sincerely hope she wasn’t thinking I might “mooch” off of her, or others, in order to go. The expense was minor and, despite my situation, I would have enjoyed the outing…as a day of respite, perhaps, from my situation. I confess to feeling rather hurt, even if good intentions were meant.

It seems a common theme these days.

For those of you new to this blog, I fractured my shoulder two years ago and lost a full-time position as a result from my injury. I have yet to find full-time work again and am behind many months on my mortgage. It has gone into foreclosure…and even Covid allowances aren’t doing much to stall the progression. My inability to get the vaccine is making it harder to find that full-time position, even if I trusted the “poke” enough to do so. I have new neighbors who got themselves on the Planning & Zoning Board and are challenging my right to farm, to raise livestock, despite having engaged a zoning attorney over a dozen years ago and getting the okay to do so. Now I have beloved animals at risk if I cannot find an attorney to take on this case…and, of course, pay him/her to do so. The roof leaks. There’s mold growing. Something is driving my electric bill up to $700 each month (from $100) and the electric company sends me to Community Action who sends me back to the electric company to find out what it is and try to remedy it. The yard is overgrown, as usual, because I lack the proper tools to keep it up…or the means of hiring out for what I cannot do myself. I’m getting the runaround from the DMV. And I have nowhere to go if I can’t save my property and pets that I cannot bear to lose.

All of this bearing down on me, and I’m trying hard not to succumb to “victim mode”, but I really hate how society treats those who are either inherently poor (i.e. from birth), or simply have fallen on hard times.

I may have recanted the aforementioned outing myself after taking a careful look at my finances. I do work. I do have some income coming into my home. It’s just not enough to cover all of my expenses yet. So, while I appreciate the concern, it would’ve been nice to have been asked/reminded of the outing and still be regarded as a thinking, feeling human being…

Even if I had determined FOR MYSELF that, no, I couldn’t handle this expense this month (I get paid monthly by the library where I work).

The poor, the downtrodden, the down-on-their-luck individuals are half-humans for most of society. We’re too stupid to manage our own money…even though I lived on the savings, 401K and other investments that most experts advise for two whole years after being laid off in 2009 from a corporate position.

“We brought our poverty, or difficulties, onto ourselves”…even though we work whatever menial job comes our way and carefully budget, save, practice a frugality that most of society would never be able to handle if they were in our shoes, and either we were born into poverty already and so have a tougher climb up the ladder of success, or our difficulties are the result of a recession, depression, or an injury or illness. Not sure how that equates to bringing it all on ourselves but, so be it.

“We don’t want to work”…oftentimes, the poor in this world work harder than anyone but, wages, and hours available, seldom keep pace with the cost of basic needs. Despite the media hyping a “booming” job market, most are still part-time endeavors…and now we have mandates crippling our economy even more.

The financially-challenged are not allowed to have any enjoyment. God forbid you should have pets. Or buy a pizza for dinner on a rare occasion…even if you save some of it for lunch the next couple of days and, thus, get multiple meals out of it.

Yes, I’m angry. Yes, maybe feeling a little sorry for myself. But, more, I’m feeling a sense of loneliness that has this computer screen blurring even as I type. When you’ve been struggling as long as I have, there’s a sense of apathy that settles over you. Anxiety and depression war inside in an endless cycle that can often be crippling.

Yes, I’m partly to blame for my loneliness. I don’t reach out. I don’t pick up the phone just to call and say “hello” or find out how others are doing, but rarely does anyone do likewise for me. Mom and I could die over here and it would be weeks before anyone discovered our remains. Granted, in my apathy, in the uncertainty that such financial struggles bring, I have let everything go. My home is a fright so I don’t invite anyone in. I’ve gained weight, been eating mostly unhealthy, and most of my social interaction has been work…or the doctor’s office (I have a stress test coming up). I sleep a lot more but, it’s rarely solid. The mind races at night when all is quiet. Insomnia visits from time to time…as do nightmares and chronic fatigue syndrome. In short, I’m suddenly ashamed and I don’t want friends seeing how badly things have gotten. I am overwhelmed. And pride goeth before the fall.

Of course, I know the Adversary uses all of this to whisper his lies, to drag us down further and further away from God…and humanity. I’m not worthy. I’m unloved. God has forgotten me. I’ve used up all of His grace. The litany drones on. Rather than praise, my prayer life–when I remember it–has been a pathetic begging to be taken out of this storm. Maybe my lack of attention to the blessings He’s already bestowed upon me is part of the problem…even as I acknowledge the lack of means to provide some of that upkeep. (See how the Adversary works…)

And yet, I’m mindful that He is teaching me a lesson in all of this, too. Like many others, I never really recovered from the Great Recession so, when I fractured that shoulder, there was much less to fall back on to sustain me. Since 2009 I have had to swallow my pride many times to visit food pantries, apply for heating assistance and medical coverage through the state, and a host of other things just to survive. I used to judge others…much the same way I am lamenting being judged. I looked down my nose, rejected friendships from anyone who might be too “needy”. Now the shoe is on the other foot and, yes, it pinches. Bad…

But the greatest lesson of all has been three-fold. First and foremost, I cannot do this without Him. He’s asking me to rely on Him. To trust Him…no matter what happens. To believe that He still loves me, always has, always will. That’s a tough one for a survivor of abuse, the concept of a loving Father in heaven. The Adversary’s still whispering doubt in my ear even as I type. Proof that I need to draw closer to Him in this storm, rather than reject and withdraw.

Second is to remember that picking up that phone costs nothing. Even in my own need, there are others who could also use a friend…and it’s nice to be remembered “just because”. Walmart sells boxes of generic cards for under $2 each. A remembered birthday, a sympathy card when a friend loses a loved one, a get-well-soon might be appreciated far more than a quick blurb on Facebook. And it’s always nice to be asked.

The third part is to start sharing my life again…even if it is in chaos. Rare am I going to have posts about some amazing workshop that I attended or an outing I enjoyed; it’s simply not possible. And, while I hate constantly posting about my situation, maybe those kinds of posts would be less if I wrote more consistently about other things…and not just when my anxiety is through the roof and I’m in need of an outlet.

To everything there is a season…and I still have hope that He has a plan in all of this.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Books, Christianity, Compassion, Creativity, Fiber Arts, gardening, Herbs, Homesteading, Poverty, Spinning, Understanding, Weaving, Writing, YouTube, Zero Waste

Getting to the Starting Line

Lisa Burbank

“The rich man’s wealth is his only strength. The poor man’s poverty is his only curse.” (Proverbs 10:15)

I hate platitudes, those pat little bits of advice from people who have never walked an inch in another’s shoes, nevermind a mile.

Or maybe it’s not a platitude, but one of those itchy little thorns that get under your skin because you know there’s a grain of truth to it.

I once lamented to a significant other that he didn’t take me seriously. I can’t even remember what we were arguing about at the time but, very calmly, he said I didn’t take myself seriously. My initial reaction was what the f*** is that suppose to mean? Another friend told me that I missed my opportunities. Again, same initial reaction.

Yeah, it’s the itchy little thorn scenario.

I still don’t know if I buy the first one. That sounds like a lack of confidence (or a crafty little cop-out on his part…). Yeah, maybe I do lack confidence to some extent but, in areas where it matters, no, I’m okay there.

I know my writing is good. Sure, my blog posts may have a lot of run-ons and half sentences, but it gets the point across and people read it. The books I have “in-the-works” get more of the polish and, those who have read bits and bobs of them, tend to give positive feedback and encouragement. As a homesteader, well, we may soon be without a homestead. That’s enough to destroy anyone’s confidence for a spell, but not because I lack confidence that I can grow a significant amount of food, grow herbs, spin yarn, weave cloth, or keep bees and livestock. What skills I lack, I can always learn. It’s more of an insecurity thing, a fear of putting the work in to develop the present property only to lose it.

And, yeah, maybe wondering if any business ideas that I have will come to enough of a fruition that I can continue…here, or on another property.

This last falls under the heading of “Fear of Failure”, not “Lack of Confidence”. A business using goats to clear land; a secondhand bookstore and herbery; a zero waste store; a monthly newsletter/magazine that features herbs, natural fibers, and all things homesteading, or a YouTube channel featuring all of, or part of, the above are all viable ideas that have the ability to stand on their own. I don’t lack confidence in the viability of any idea. I believe in them enough to have created business plans and/or grant proposals for all of them. But, maybe, just maybe, I’m willing to concede that I lack the confidence that I’ll ever find the necessary funds, the land, and the physical support to see them fly (there should be a support group for impoverished wannabe entrepreneurs…). And that is where I fear the failure.

As for the other itchy little thorn? It’s difficult to take advantage of a presented opportunity if you have no way to support yourself, your family, etc. while you take that advantage.

So, yeah, these offhanded remarks have itched and poked and stung over the years with all of the tenacity of a killer hornet. They were also hurtful and callous remarks by the people who uttered them. And, as I sit here typing this, I can’t help wondering how many other would-be entrepreneurs are sitting out there feeling the same angst that I do. How many jobs are “lost” before they are ever realized? And don’t get me started on big box stores and monopolizing tech companies pushing out the small business owners who are able to make their dreams a reality.

May God bless you & keep you!

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-our-farm-is-being-foreclosed

Animals, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Compassion, Exhaustion, Faith, Forgiveness, Friendship, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Grief, Healing, Homesteading, Humanity First, Memories, Nostalgia, Poverty, Prayer

And Then the Other Hammer Falls

Lisa Burbank

“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following along behind him, and became a pillar of salt.” (Genesis 19:26)

I feel a bit like Lot’s wife. He’s been pointing me away from here for years now. And I keep looking back, allowing nostalgia and sentiment to sway my decisions. Now home has become unsafe and I received the foreclosure notice yesterday.

WARNING: There may be some redundancy in my blog posts as the weeks roll on. I will be sharing the link to my Go Fund Me campaign periodically in my posts. Please forgive me; these are desperate times.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-our-farm-is-being-foreclosed?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cp_guide_do&member=12637057

Even if you cannot help, if you could share this link on your social media pages, I would be forever indebted to you! Your prayers, positive thoughts and energy are also appreciated!

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Brothers & Sisters, Compassion, Healing, Humanity First, illness, Politics

Vaccine Perils, 2.0

Lisa Burbank

“A merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit makes one sick.” (Proverbs 17:22)

I don’t remember if I shared this first story here before. For any readers who have been here for a few years, first of all, thank you! And, secondly, my apologies for any redundancy in the retelling. For any new readers, also thank you! The retelling should provide the background without having to search through years of posts.

Anywho…

Back in the summer of 2015 I was sitting in my rabbit room (every respectable rabbit owner should have a special room for their buns, don’t you agree?) when all of a sudden the buns started thumping their back legs. This is their warning system to alert each other that something is amiss in their world. I looked around but couldn’t see anything amiss. Then I heard what sounded like muffled voices outside the open window and then heavy footsteps running away. It was dark outside so I couldn’t see anything but, a moment later, as I stood peering out into the darkness, I heard a caution little “Me-ow!” from below the window.

Another cat dumped off here at The Herbal Hare Homestead.

As it was dark and who knew if the person dropping said kitty off was still about (single female here), I waited until morning to investigate. The beautiful and very pregnant tortoiseshell feline had made her way around to the other side of the house and was waiting on the doorstep. She shied away then rubbed up against me when I opened a can of cat food for her. Later, Mom risked picking her up and putting her into a cage…and got bit!

We went to the ER where she was given both a tetanus and the first in the rabies’ series. Then she left for her sister’s for an overnight stay. I made an appointment with the vet for Priscilla then went into the bathroom where she was being kept separate from the other felines of the household to feed her again.

This time she bit me.

Back to the ER.

Because Priscilla was already quarantined, I didn’t need the rabies’ vaccine but he did give me the tetanus. I’d had a tetanus a few times before so, no big deal. I went home, went to work later that day, and by the time Mom came home that night, I was feeling horrible. I ached everywhere–especially my head–and I felt warm. I grabbed the thermometer and took my temperature. It was 105 degrees.

A third trip to the ER in fewer days.

We were there for hours while they pumped all sorts of electrolytes and pain relievers (mostly Motrin) into me to try and bring my fever down. They’d get it down, take out the IV, and I’d spike again. They were contemplating keeping me overnight but, eventually, I leveled off and they sent me home.

The next morning I was back up to 106 degrees and, in 90+ degree temps outside, burrowing under three of the thickest blankets we own because I was shivering uncontrollably. I couldn’t get warm!??!!

Fast forward to a follow up visit with my doctor and she recommended I get one of those medical bracelets. Most people don’t have an allergy to the tetanus serum. She believed I reacted to one of the preservatives and that, because the preservatives are often present in other vaccines as well, I should avoid things like flu shots and pneumonia shots and shingles shots…you get the picture! I would likely have the same reaction and, next time, she warned, there was a potential it could be worse.

We had another pregnant feline show up on the doorstep towards the end of April this year. This time we weren’t lucky enough to capture her before she birthed. We’ve christened her Zelda and she’s been coming faithfully since April for meals. She’s lovable, friendly, allows us to pet her, but she’s been nursing and we didn’t know where she’d gone to birth them. I even tried following her one time…to no avail. We didn’t want to capture her and have her babies starve to death without her, so we’ve tried to gain her trust with the hopes she would eventually bring them to eat when they got old enough.

Imagine our surprise when we discovered she’d birthed them under our back deck!

Mom spotted them all lounging on the back deck one evening around dusk. I very carefully went out with food in hand, set up a couple of cages, put the food in a bowl and placed it on the ground beside the deck (kittens had all run pell-mell back underneath when they saw me coming towards them). The plan was to wait until they came out for the food and scoop them up. The problem was Mama kitty was standing about 10 feet away, hissing, growling and definitely not being her usual friendly, lovable self. I had visions of her racing to attack if I dared nab any of them.

I wish now that I’d risked it instead of deciding to take it a little slower and gaining their trust better.

About a week later, I found one of the kittens in my barn with a broken leg. No clue how it happened. I took her to the vet. Her chances were good, but the leg was broken in two places, they might have to amputate and it was going to cost thousands of dollars to rehabilitate her…if she made it at all. I had to relinquish her to the local rescue as I simply could not afford the cost of treatment. I’ve been heartsick ever since. I know she would’ve died a horrible death if I hadn’t attempted to help her but I can’t help thinking if I’d grabbed them all that first night and risked Mama’s ire, none of this would have happened.

(I’m super lady, remember? LOL!)

Of course, she also bit me as I was trying to get her into a cage to transport her to the vet.

My tetanus was still good. It’s only been 6 years. But I hemmed and hawed. Should I go to the ER or not? I elected not to initially. The next morning my index finger was three times its normal size and my knuckles were swelling, too. I went to the ER…where the ER doctor promptly scolded me for waiting. He read my records, saw the reaction I had to the tetanus and decided not to give me another. But he kept circling back to this was a stray kitten. Did I know if it was rabid? What about the mother? He was scared to give me the vaccine because of my history but scared not to in case it was rabid. I was scared about the same. Eventually, I gave him the okay to administer the rabies vaccine. The logic was rabies will definitely kill me. The vaccine I have a 50/50 chance and he’s going to be looking for those reactions, prepared to intercede should I react again as I did with the tetanus.

Well, the last three weeks have been horrible! Headaches, body aches, chills, dizziness–this last frightening in that the room has been spinning even while I’m lying down. I’ve missed work that I can ill afford, been nauseous, no appetite. Again, it’s been horrible. Work on my book, my blog, everything has been halted. This weekend has been the first that I’ve felt semi-normal in a very long time.

And what did I hear from a friend yesterday after church?

“Well, if you survived the rabies vaccine, maybe you should think about getting the coronavirus vaccine, too.”

Even though my doctor, and the ER doctor, advised against it given my vaccine history??

I’m shaking my head right now. Everything has come down to political. Nobody cares about each other. They just want you to do what they do. And they will bully and berate you until you do…or call you selfish if you dig your heels in against their reasoning.

Or a sheeple from the other side of the aisle if you do cave.

I had a reaction to a tetanus vaccine, and then a rabies. Both are tried and true. I’d had the tetanus many times before, successfully so. It only takes one bad reaction. And, once it’s in your arm, it’s too late. It simply has to run its course. For some of us, that course might prove deadly.

To be honest, I’m tired of the bullying and berating that I hear on the news, from friends after church, from both sides of the political aisle. I’ve even stopped watching Stephen Colbert because of his promotion ad nauseum of the vaccine. This is a new vaccine that was rushed through the channels, so to speak. Understandably so. We are in the midst of a pandemic. But the FDA has not approved it, there has been no time for long-term testing, and most importantly, 1% of the population that has gotten the vaccine has reacted badly to it. Some have even died. Some had underlying health conditions. Some did not…or at least did not know they had them.

Again, once it’s in your arm, it’s too late.

And I’m not unique in my situation. Since that first episode with the tetanus, I’ve met many people who have shared similar stories. One friend from high school lost both her parents to a bad flu shot within a few days of each other. I cannot imagine the heartache.

And I know many have suffered heartache from this virus. I’m not saying don’t get it if you feel comfortable doing so. I’m saying stop bullying others for their refusal. It may not be selfishness on their part, but an underlying medical condition that makes them afraid. They may be unwilling to share their medical history with you. They may have lost a loved one to a vaccine like my friend from high school and so are afraid. It may be a deep-seated fear of a science that is all but being forced on people, a science that does not prevent you from getting this virus…just from spreading it. An important aspect, but their fear against the vaccine may be just as great as your fear of the virus itself. We can no more know if we will be in the 1% of having a bad reaction to corona than we know if we’ll be in the 1% who will react badly to it’s vaccine. Whatever “side” we stand on, judging others, bullying them, doesn’t help anything. In fact, the more you push for your own views to be followed, the more likely people will dig those heels in. These are our brothers and sisters. It’s time we started treating them as such, looking on with compassion…instead of derision because we haven’t walked that proverbial mile in their shoes and don’t know the reasons behind their choices.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Appreciation, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Enlightenment, Exhaustion, Faith, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, Prayer, Religion, Scripture, Self-improvement, Spirituality

Praising Him in the Storm

Lisa Burbank

“When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up–the flames will not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:2)

Praising the good Lord even in the midst of a storm…I struggle with that one, even though I know that it is correct. I know, deep down inside, that even in these little earthquakes that rattle the soul, He has my best interest at heart. He has my back.

Until the voice of the adversary creeps up and tells me I’m not worthy. I’m being punished for something I did. Or didn’t do. Or didn’t do right. All those promises from the Bible are for other people.

Then there’s another voice that whispers, “Why am I praising the struggle???”

That’s probably the worst one of all, the one that pulls me the furthest from my Lord and Savior: questioning why.

Because it shows I haven’t quite learned how to walk by faith yet.

But I will praise Him. Even if a part of me has forgotten how. How to surrender. How to let go. Did I ever really know? Have I ever really let go long enough for real trust to grow?

But praise Him I will.

I praise you Lord for the splinter still caught under my right ring finger…and for the salve I made several months’ ago containing the plantain that, hopefully, will draw it out.

I praise you for the acid reflux and asthma attacks Wednesday night that had me up at 2 a.m…and made me realize just how unsustainable such an early rising would be for the long haul.

I praise you for whatever is leaking in the basement. And for the lack of funds to have it looked at and repaired; further proof that this old fixer-upper has become a drain on my strength and soul.

I praise you for the new neighbors who are harassing us and challenging zoning regulations. I praise you for blessing them…and maybe there is just a little gremlin still sitting on my shoulder that says, “Yeah, open their eyes! Pierce their souls with contrition for the hardship they’ve added to a thousandfold! (Translation: a thinly veiled plea for revenge…lol!) I praise You for that, too; there’s still some fight left after all.

I praise you that I didn’t get the director’s job, yet another full-time position that would’ve made all the difference financially. I praise you for answering my prayer that I get that position only if You mean for Mom and I to stay here in Connecticut.

I praise you for the new kittens who are filling our home and our hearts with laughter.

I praise you for the friends, family, and spiritual community that you have blessed me with for almost 20 years. And all of the many animals that have shared this home with us.

And, Lord, if it be thy will, I praise You for showing me where to now. It’s been almost a decade since this storm first hit, Praise God! I’m growing oh-so weary…

And, yes, there is a note of cynicism and bitterness. But also, an inner canniness that understands a little of what is happening here. ..at least I hope so.

You see, I started working with a coach last month. She is a Christian and helps those of us whose faith is struggling. She is also a writing coach. If nothing else, she is helping me to simply show up. To write. To pray. To worship and create. To draw closer to Him.

And that’s not in the adversary’s plans at all. So, of course, he’s throwing as many monkey wrenches at me as he can find.

But, you know, I even praise the Lord for both the monkey wrenches and the cynicism. I may not know all of God’s plans right now, where He is leading me, where He wants me to go, or what He wants me to do, but I do know that that ol’ devil perceives the threat to his machinations. And that’s worthy of at least a dozen “Hallelujahs”. Maybe praising Him in the midst of a storm isn’t that difficult after all.

May God bless you & keep you!

Animals, Emergency Preparedness, Faith, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, Herbs, Holistic Health, Homesteading, Nature, Plants, Prayer, Recipes, Scripture

Wednesday’s Weed Walk – “Dew of the Sea”

Lisa Burbank

“And God said, ‘Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat’.” (Genesis 1:29)

My geriatric kitty, Kirby, went to the vet a couple of weeks’ ago. It was a routine visit for his rabies and distemper shots and, as he is a geriatric kitty, I had the doc do what they call a senior panel. Basically, they extract some blood for the lab and they check to make sure his internal organs are all functioning as they should be.

He’s not in renal failure, though they are going to be watching him closely because his numbers are “elevated”, which could be bad somewhere in the future. His heart is raising greater concerns…the numbers there are too high. He goes back on Friday for x-rays.

As always, the herbalist turns to natural remedies. My go-to is one of Juliette de Bairacli Levy’s books.

For those of you not familiar with Juliette, she’s the grandmother of both modern herbal medicine and natural rearing for animals and children. I started using her books many years ago when a pet rabbit of mine had been deemed a lost cause by her vet because of a kidney infection. An infusion of parsley given internally and a compress of hops placed over her belly, along with dandelion greens given free choice, and Cindy Lou was up and running again two days’ later. Juliette’s books have been trusted companions ever since.

Juliette recommends an infusion of rosemary for any kind of heart disease or disorder. Two tablespoons of rosemary steeped in hot water for 20 minutes with a lid on. Add 1 level teaspoon of local honey for every tablespoon of the infusion. According to Juliette, “rosemary herb has all of the three medicinal properties necessary in heart treatment: it is tonic, cleansing, and also a nervine (de Bairacli Levy, 1992, p. 199). Strengthening, cleansing (which needs no explanation), and stimulating to the nervous system–stimulating in that rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis), also known as “dew of the sea,” gives gentle support by “increasing circulation, providing nutrients, and increasing vitality and zest” (Gladstar, 2008, p. 49).

Rosemary is from the plant family Labiatae, or Lamiaceae, which includes all of our mints, basil, catnip, thyme, lavender, hyssop, savory, oregano, marjoram and sage. The leaves are part used in healing. Properties are antipyretic (cooling), antiinflammatory, stomachic, nervine, diaphoretic (promotes sweating), astringent, anodyne and antiseptic. Besides being a good support herb for the heart, it also helps relieve headaches, indigestion, colds, inflammation of the joints, and is good for the hair and scalp (Tierra, 1998, pp. 187-188)

Kirby isn’t sure he likes it yet. I’ve been giving him 4 cc’s each night and I am seeing an improvement in his mood. He’s more active, more alert. I’m hoping the improvement is enough that he will not need any allopathic medicines; far too many do damage to the internal organs further down the road, which is why I often turn to herbs for both Mankind and beast.

For the natural witches and pagans out there, when rosemary is placed beneath your pillow it ensures a good sleep and drives away nightmares; laid under the bed, it protects from harm, and hung from porch and doorposts, it is said to keep thieves away. Added to the bath water, it preserves youthfulness and an infusion of rosemary is often used to wash hands before any healing work as it is cleansing and purifying. Grown in the garden, it attracts elves (Cunningham, 2006, p.p. 218-219).

Who knew this familiar culinary staple packed such a punch?

May God bless you & keep you!

These statements and any information contained on this blog have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This information is intended for educational purposes only and is not meant to substitute for medical care or to prescribe treatment for any specific health condition.

REFERENCES

Cunningham, Scott (2006). Cunningham’s Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs, 2nd edition. Llewellyn Publications: Woodbury, MN

De Bairacli Levy, Juliette (1992). The Complete Herbal Handbook for the Dog and Cat, 6th edition. Faber & Faber Limited: London, England

Gladstar, Rosemary (2008). Rosemary Gladstar’s Herbal Recipes for Vibrant Health. Storey Publishing: North Adams, MA

Tierra, Michael (1998). The Way of Herbs. Pocket Books: New York, NY.

Abuse, Animals, Appreciation, Books, Brothers & Sisters, Christianity, Creativity, Exhaustion, Faith, God/Jesus, Gratitude, Healing, Homesteading, Prayer, Writing

When In Doubt

Lisa Burbank

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.” (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

The kitchen faucet, which has needed replacing for some time now, started leaking in earnest last week…i.e. we had a flood in the kitchen. The nosy neighbors who hide in my hedges, craning their neck over the wall, the same ones who have challenged zoning, are proving to be partiers. Bonfires, loud music, swearing, screaming, shouting until all hours of the night…and there’s less than an acre between us. Then the trunk of my car wouldn’t close Saturday night so I had to wire it shut. On the way to pick up dinner last night, the wire broke and I had to pull into a parking lot and try to rewire it. I eventually had to pull some baling twine off of the bale of hay in the trunk and jury rig it until I could get back home. After fiddling with it some more, I finally got it closed…only to approach opening it again with much trepidation. When I got home, Felicity, my female Nigerian Dwarf goat was shaking like a leaf. Chester, the male, got a little rough with his head-butting. No major injury but she’s a little stiff and sore; I had to separate them.

This could be the sequel to Francesca Battistelli’s song, “This is the Stuff”. As I plan to walk to work as long as the weather holds, I pray I won’t have to worry overmuch about misplaced keys or doing 45 in a 35 mph zone, as she intones.

But, yes, this is the stuff that drives me crazy.

Foreclosure is still looming. I still haven’t found a zoning attorney to help me with my current issues. With bad credit, finding a new homestead looks pretty grim. My paltry part-time paycheck, for which, yes, I am eternally grateful to have even that, will take me a month of Sundays to save for an acre or two of land. Then I have to build a house.

And I’m stressing over having to change a faucet on my own!

Having these added issues, no matter how seemingly small, just adds insult to injury. I feel a crying jag coming on. Mainly because I’ve lost my cool more often than I’d like to admit.

Hope flew out the window last night. The thought of ending it crept in. Only for a moment but it was enough for me to stop and take stock of things. I am so completely overwhelmed. They say He doesn’t give us more than we can bear. I don’t believe that’s entirely true. He never gives us more than He can bear, not what we can bear. We can’t bear all that much on our own. And maybe that’s what I’m trying to do: shoulder it alone. The problem is I don’t know how to let go and let God. I don’t know how to trust, to believe that He really does have my best interest at heart. I don’t know how to surrender my will to His for fear that I will lose everything that truly matters to me…not as idols, but I’m still that abused little girl expecting a punitive father to strike me down.

And yet there must still be a nugget of hope somewhere in my heart because I keep envisioning that homestead up in Maine, Vermont, upstate New York, maybe Tennessee or Missouri to be closer to my brother and best friend. Ohio has popped up on the radar, too. Yeah, maybe just dreams. But, to be truly without hope, those dreams would be cast aside. Instead, the yearning grows stronger.

Enough that I have signed up to work with a writing/career coach. She is a friend of a friend that I met at a Christian writer’s workshop the summer before Covid-19. We have stayed in touch through social media. I realize how truly overwhelmed I have been with this blog (I’ve strayed away a time or two from its original purpose), with both books, with starting a career as a writer and not knowing where to go, where to start. I aced the classes. I have the degree. Now where do I go from here? And I don’t know a lot of writers locally. Before Covid-19 I had considered starting a local writers’ workshop that would meet every week. Covid-19 nixed that for the moment. I realize I need that support, that accountability, some basic structure and feeling that I am getting somewhere as I navigate through my first novel, or two.

As for my living situation? It may be a while before He reveals where He is leading me. I suppose I need an accountability partner there, too. Someone who routinely asks me, “Did you call x, y, z this week? Did you have a chance to do ___________?” It is far too easy to slide back into a depressed slump, to cave in to the apathy of worldly struggles. To feel, yes, overwhelmed by the magnitude of this mountain I’m being asked to climb.

And He is asking me to climb it or He wouldn’t keep bringing me back to it. I feel like He is asking me to take all of this knowledge He has given me, the resources He has revealed and put them to use, to take advantage of them…and to shake off the underlying feeling that I am not worthy of His grace. That’s the peak of the mountain…learning to believe He loves me and I don’t have to earn it.

This yearning-to-be a professional writer, homesteader and prepper is reaching out and asking for your prayers, your positive vibes/energies, some kind intentions. I’ve been in this place for most of the last 12 years; enough is enough. May God send His blessings upon each and every one of you, too!

Amen!

REFERENCES

Battistelli, Francesca (2011). “This is the Stuff.” Hundred More Years. Fervent Records, Curb Records, and Word Entertainment.

Animals, Appreciation, Christianity, Compassion, Family, Healing, illness, Introvert, Love, Scripture, Self-esteem, Writing

The Need for Solitude

Lisa Burbank

“Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don’t just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

Yup, that title does seem to contradict the passage from Scripture that I shared today. But it’s relevant.

I’m my worst enemy. I beat up on myself constantly, feeling selfish for taking a couple of hours each morning to write…because that’s what I do. That’s what makes me, well, me. I’ve also been feeling guilty for going to bed a little earlier, rather than sitting up with Mom (night owl), that I might get up early without sacrificing sleep. I feel like the bad daughter for getting together with friends by myself…even when Mom reassures me that I should be getting out with my friends once in awhile (Mom doesn’t drive, by the way).

But you know what I’m starting to realize?

I have less time and consideration for others when I don’t take those all-important times for myself. I catch myself zoning out at work when others are talking. I have to curb the rise of impatience when Mom, who has been home all day alone, anxiously relays the latest coronavirus news she read online. My time with the animals becomes the bare minimum of feeding and watering, maybe a quick scratch behind the ears, before I “escape” behind a book or a YouTube video. I snap. I huff out a breath of impatience. In short, I’m as prickly as a hedgehog on steroids, leaving everyone else hurt and bewildered by my inattention.

I’ve blogged about being an introvert before. I am often a chatterbox with those I’m closest to but, even with loved ones, an endless barrage of people-time makes me physically ill. I’m not a snob, or anti-social; it’s just part of being an introvert. Crowds make me feel lonely. Constant socializing feels overwhelming. I’m learning more and more how important it is to find a healthy balance so that quality time with loved ones truly is.

Now, if I could only silence that obnoxious tape playing in my head that tells me how horrible I am for needing that solitude. The way I see it after proofreading this, the real selfishness would be to give the hedgehog a few more steroids.

May God bless you & keep you!

19th century, Abuse, Addiction, Alcoholism, Animals, Faith, Forgiveness, Homesteading, Poverty, Prayer, Religion, Self-esteem, Self-improvement, Spirituality

The Pain of Fear

Lisa Burbank

“He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what may happen. For he is settled in his mind that Jehovah will take care of him. That is why he is not afraid, but can calmly face his foes. (Psalms 112: 7-8)

Fear kept me here in Connecticut back in 2008. And fear is what has kept me “stuck” ever since.

You see, back in 2008 I left work on a Friday, traveled up to Maine with over $30K in my 401K to use as a down payment on a property there. It was 6 and 1/2 acres, no zoning regulations, and the only building requirements were I had to dig a well and septic system, and the house had to be a minimum of 600 square feet. I was planning to build no more than that minimum, but I was willing to comply. It was a beautiful piece of land down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. I started proceedings with Bangor Savings then came back to work on Monday to find that my 401K had been wiped out as the Great Recession plowed its way through. I had only $3K left. I was forced to back out of the deal.

I kick myself now. Surely, there could’ve been another way. Or another property that would’ve worked just as well. Why did I let my heart get so set on one place that I neglected to look further afield? Worse, though I lost first one part-time job 4 months’ later, the full-time position another 10 months’ later, and the second part-time job about 7 months after that, the severance pay and unemployment benefits would’ve been sufficient to sustain me while I built that cob house I was aiming for had I stuck it out. But, by the time I lost the full-time position, I had already approached the zoning attorney here in CT and gotten his okay to raise small livestock here (poultry, goats) and so, I decided this was home, this was familiar and safe.

I stayed.

And I cannot help but wonder what my life would be like now had I gambled a little bit, trusted Him more with my future.

Sadly, it has been the story of my life. Play it safe. Stick with what I know. And fail by not trying. By letting fear of the unknown guide me rather than walking by faith.

Despite being an ordained minister, I honestly haven’t learned how to walk by faith yet. Not entirely anyway. Sure, He’s done so much to show me that He does care, that I can trust Him. But I’m the doubting Thomas all over again. If He doesn’t paint the way there, I’m stagnant. I like a certain amount of surety in my bets. And it is the most painful place to be. Yes, I get the theory of walking by faith, but my heart doesn’t truly believe. It forever whispers back that I’m not worthy. And I fear both the success and the failure of my dreams.

Growing up in a household with abuse and alcoholism, faith, trust, reaching out for more, or seeking to better one’s self are all tinged with an underlying sense that you do not deserve even life’s most basic needs. You abuse yourself by choosing less than optimal situations because of this belief. There’s an underlying sense of apathy, too.

I cannot help but think that, despite not knowing where He is leading me, or what He is leading me to, He has made it very clear that He is leading me away from here. It’s been a constant struggle to make ends meet. One repair after another that I haven’t the means to address. This is the second time since the recession that I’ve stared down the face of foreclosure. And now I am faced with these zoning issues where finding another attorney to help has been a lesson in futility. Of course, this is where I think to myself, Lord, if you truly are leading me away, can you give me a nudge in the right direction, please? My finances are in shambles. How will I ever do this? And, yes, I know I’m not supposed to question His intentions, or plans, but will everyone forgive me if I tell you I’m only human?

I do know one thing though: if this was truly where I was meant to be, I would be thriving here instead of feeling beaten down and, yes, apathetic about the future. Because the future is not here. The future is somewhere else.

Maybe I should make a shout out to anyone reading this and ask for your prayers, kind thoughts, positive energies that I might finally get these feet to walk by faith…one step at a time. If I can get these feet to finally move, maybe I’ll be able to prove that Thoreau was right:

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau

I sincerely hope so.

May God bless you & keep you!